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Useless Skiing Tips

 Poster: A snowHead
Poster: A snowHead
If on the lower section of the Vallee Blanche - in a wide, open area of snow - you feel the need to relieve yourself, take a tip from Douglas Adams and the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Step out of the ski tracks and get your friend to hold your coat, spread wide, directly in front of your face while you squat. Now you can't see the hundreds of skiers making their way past you and so, obviously, they can't see you. Your modesty is preserved.


Last edited by Poster: A snowHead on Thu 20-01-22 1:28; edited 2 times in total
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 Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
@DJL,
Quote:

Literally crying with laughter
Me too, also at
@pieman666's anecdote.
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 Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
After fully enjoying the Apres skiing in Mayrhofen always return to your hotel for a sauna, followed by a naked roll in the snow on your roof terrace balcony…
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 You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
A very short useless tip.


‘Skiing in Scotland is GREAT…’
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 Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Keep your lift pass in the convenient wrist pocket in your glove.

When you leave your ski in/out accommodation and get to the bottom of the resort to realise your pass is in the other gloves you wore yesterday, your other half will positively delight in lifting back to the top to ski back and retrieve them while you savour a delicious coffee.
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 You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
Take young children (3 and 5) on a skiing holiday with the mother in law too!! It will be a real lovely family holiday!! Especially if you book them into the local crèche/ski school that promises they speak English - not a word understood. And also choosing a really REALLY cheap all in deal, which was reminiscent of a Youth Hostel when the MIL likes the finer things in life. Not just spag Bol with parsley on top to ‘posh’ it up!!

Seriously my depression and anger lasted for years after this.
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 Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Let your confident and competent children convince your rather less confident and competent friends to try an 'easy and short' off-piste run ... they will LOVE it.

Enjoy the next two hours and the way that your children's colourful language vocabulary has been extended by said friends.
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 After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
The week thousands of students are in resort is THE week you want to be there.
Especially if they are not UK students - Belgians & Scandinavians are the 'best' in my experience at making a resort 'bounce' (though UK rugby club tours push them hard).
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 You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
@fuzzydunlop, woof
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 Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ski the Net with snowHeads
On a day that is predicted to be warm but had a hard frost overnight only wear light weight glove inners rather than horrible hot and heavy gloves. If your hands are cold fall heavily on the rock hard piste and they will soon be toasty and warm.
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 snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
Do NOT let your wife cook one of her special Bum Burner Curries avec extra chillies, for your first night in resort after your marathon one hit, one stop, drive from Cherbourg to resort. Queueing for lift pass next morning, one place from getting a pass. THEN the dreaded rumble. Off we go and after getting loo roll from appartment fridge. Back of the queue again. rolling eyes Shocked
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 And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
When you go to hire your skis be sure to take both your primary set of boots and your back up pair. That way the bindings can be correctly set for any discrepency in sole length between the pairs.
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 So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
Learn French the Easy way

Discover 14 ways to say "No" when quizzing shokeepers whether they have phone cables when you leave yours in blighty

Also insist that they feign incomprehension unless you perfect the exact pronunciation of every word in a sentence.
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 You know it makes sense.
You know it makes sense.
EarthWindandWater wrote:


Also insist that they feign incomprehension unless you perfect the exact pronunciation of every word in a sentence.

I can remember getting that look of incomprehension when I asked for Poule et Frites, rather than Poulet et Frites.....they couldn't even smile at being asked for Hen and Chips.
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 Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Do not check your skis after you've left them for overnight service as there is no way the risk averse muppets will have wound the DIN down to 1 cos they forgot to fill in the service card. The next morning after a couple of refreshing face massages with icy corduroy do treat the kindly mountain host to some refreshing education in anglo saxon when he stops by for friendly advice that DIN adjustment should be left to pros as you hold a threating screwdriver apt for his eye socket at the tool bench ( the real reason they have a leash on them).
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 Poster: A snowHead
Poster: A snowHead
Always believe the online snow forecasts - they never exaggerate.
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 Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Never look at your watch and insist on "one more run" to ensure you can check out just how expensive taxis are between Verbier to La Tzoumaz and keep them in business after missing the last lift of the day.
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 Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
ElzP wrote:
If you're having a bad day as a beginner, and keep falling over, make sure you tantrum chuck your poles somewhere difficult to impossible to ski to. You can then have the fun of a) having to clamber round in your ski boots to fetch them and b) trying to get your boots back in your bindings with 3 inches if caked snow on the bottom.

Become incandescently angry again. Repeat.


Alternatively, throw your skis down the piste, then run after them and beat them with your poles!

A friend did this, still the funniest thing I've seen on snow.
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You need to Login to know who's really who.
@Tom Doc, Laughing Sounds familiar.
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 Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Tom Doc wrote:


Alternatively, throw your skis down the piste, then run after them and beat them with your poles!

It was clear on this particular morning, that Lady F left the apartment and went up the lift like an IED with a hair trigger. At the top, she skied off the lift, came to a halt....And fell over.

The result was, while still on the ground, she whacked the ski with her expensive Carbon Pole, with such anger fuelled ferocity, that the bottom third of the ski pole flew into the air, before disappearing over the lip. If I'd laughed, I wouldn't be around to tell the tale, as I know where the remaining 2/3 would have been stuck!

Guess who spent the rest of the day with only one pole.
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 You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
@Sarge McSarge, I knew it!
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 Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
When going to the loo in an Italian resort at lunch time, one of those sophisticated establishments in a shed round the back of the restaurant, accessed by a very snowy path, don't bother to knock the snow off the soles of your boots when you get inside. Also, don't worry, if you're a lady, about the upper half (including sleeves) of your largely white vintage onesie trailing a little as you manoeuvre yourself into position on the very slippery ceramic footprints. The results of the consequent slide, including the veritable lexicon of swear words in three languages (might as well practise your language skills while you're at it) will remain - when you eventually emerge, to ski home immediately for a bath in concentrated Dettol - in the memories of those who had formed an orderly queue outside the loo.
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 After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
Chambery Airport is one of the world's premier aviation hubs.

Flights there are never delayed or diverted. Passengers are never forced to sit on the departure lounge floor for eight hours before their tour operator busses them to the nearest 2* hotel.
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 You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
When riding a T bar as a pair dismount by easing the pressure under your bums and turn the bar through 90 degrees so it is vertical and allow it to pull away from between you, then casually ski away left or right. When turning the bar to the vertical Do NOT allow it to go up your jacket or you will experience a few heart stopping moments while you work out what has gone wrong and proceed perilously close to the winding gear. I still have PTSD. Shocked
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 Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ski the Net with snowHeads
@Ski808, welcome to Snowheads snowHead

I still have visions of my youngest daughter (then age 9) getting dragged along by her ski school tabard! It took a look of shouting [edit] for the lifty to notice Skullie


Last edited by Ski the Net with snowHeads on Fri 21-01-22 7:19; edited 1 time in total
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 snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
Klamm Franzer wrote:
@Ski808, welcome to Snowheads snowHead

I still have visions of my youngest daughter (then age 9) getting dragged along by her ski school tabard! It took a look of sitting for the lifty to notice Skullie


Thanks for the welcome.
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 And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
@Hurtle, It took 5 pages to get that out of you - an entire Jennifer Saunders sketch.
Excellent Laughing
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 So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
On your first time on skis and while waiting on the slope for your instruction group, why not avoid boredom and get a head start on everyone by turning your skis downhill - how hard can it be? Ideally your skis should be dated from the early 1980s - straight and long. Enjoy the range of emotions from pleasure via surprise to concern as the terrain steepens and the skis gain speed towards previously unnoticed rocks. At any time now, try to remember something you had read about a snow plough, which you may find as effective as a hand brake on a runaway truck. Return to meeting point uphill by any method of your choosing.
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 You know it makes sense.
You know it makes sense.
Having dragged the family out of bed early to drive through the Mont Blanc tunnel and beat the queues at the Skyway, you don't need to bother reading the road signs in too much detail as you emerge from the tunnel, just head for the green sign, warm and safe in the knowledge that blue sign means motorway right? And you don't want that.
You definitely won't head off down the Autostrada. With no exit for 30km. With average speed cameras everywhere. And with a toll to pay for the privilege.
You also won't be an hour later than you intended (having nearly done the same thing again!!) when you eventually arrive to join the queues.
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 Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
When driving to Les Arcs, trust your navigator (brother) implicitly and don't question why, when you are supposedly 1km from the resort, that the road has disappeared under three metres of snow and people appear to be skiing on it. Congratulate him on having one solitary CD for the subsequent fun four hour drive back down the mountain and up the other side.
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 Poster: A snowHead
Poster: A snowHead
When driving from Turin to Serre Chevalier, always remember to take the Frejus Tunnel, paying for a single transit. When getting to the other side, pull over, consult a map, turn around and pay another single transit toll.

Once you finally take the correct turning (before the Frejus Tunnel), sit back, enjoy the the views and reminisce about what a wonderful tunnel, the Frejus Tunnel is….all 13km of it. Well, 26km in fact.
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 Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
When in your first ever week of skiing, aged 35, get so wrapped up in the enjoyment of being able to link turns that you fail to notice that your ESF class has pulled over to the side, and instead ski all the way to the bottom of a long blue run. Find a handy ESF instructor with a 2-way radio and cobble together enough words of French to get yourself reunited with the class Embarassed
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 Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
When you child loses his phone and you think you know where it is having seen something plasticky and black on the piste, ask him to remain with his brother and let them ride the park whilst you nip off to where you think you saw said phone. Not thinking that where you saw the phone on a piste is not where it will be now and a mountain is rather a large area.

But the tip is, don't give YOUR phone to said child to keep should someone find the phone and call it and then leave your children with 2 phones between them, and ski off sans communication device Embarassed Embarassed Embarassed
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 You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
Most useful advice I have received from an Instructor, when struggling with technique:

1. While struggling with skiing Off Piste, I was told to - "Just snake right on down there".

2. When struggling with Short Turns (Straight Skis), I asked the Instructor how to do it. Reply: "How do you walk?"

I consider myself lucky to have received such practical and insightful tips.....so I thought I'd share with my fellow snowHead s.
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 Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
When skiing in Arraba, Italy, always ensure you take a Go Pro/similar when having a ski lesson, so you can ask the instructor to take some footage of you carving down a red run. Nothing will make you feel so great, as you’re skiing at decent pace, to observe yourself being filmed by your instructor as he passes you by, Go Pro in record mode, whilst skiing backwards.
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 You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
Quote:

Most useful advice I have received from an Instructor,


We did once have a lesson with an instructor who was trying to explain a particular esoteric technique and said "Look, just watch what I do and do that..." who then promptly initiated the turn and fell over... we said we already knew this move.

Epilogue: things got worse after that, and we mutually agreed to end the "instruction" early, so he huffed off down the mountain... leaving his security pass behind. We took it back to the lodge and they gave us a replacement lesson for the next day with a ...shall we say... better snowboarder, and said thank-you for returning his pass, I think he may have been buying the beers that night...
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 Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
When skiing with your young children on very flat rat tracks, always make sure that you and their random zig-zagging covers the entire width of the track, with equally random stops centre track.
This is a great way for your children to learn some anglo-saxon words being directed at you from the snowboarders behind you. Once heard a bilingual kid asking his Dad, why that man called him a whale.
He misheard me thinking I had shouted "Baleine !"
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 After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
If driving in the mountains be like the Parisians & don't bother with winter tyres or chains. The locals in the traffic jam you cause will be impressed by your ballsy attitude. And who would expect snow & ice on the roads, anyway?
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 You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
If you have an athletic and fearless 10 year old, it is is great idea to allow your friend the ex-freestyle competitor to take him off to "try out the park". He will absolutely hate it. And not progress to bigger and bigger jumps or more dangerous tricks. And you will not spend the next several years experiencing what 50% pride mixed with 50% abject terror feels like.
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 Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ski the Net with snowHeads
If you need to nip off piste to pee in a snowstorm, you can't, of course, see what you are unzipping, due to all the layers of clothing in the way, but you will have taken off a glove so can feel to do it. Congratulate yourself when you find you peed in your glove.
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