Witty retorts

A snowHead

So your queuing nicely with your family when some drunken skier pushs you aside and barges on up to the lift, this isn't subtle queue jostling with strategic pole planting and wiggly quick shuffling with open ski's its blatant and aggresive and the whole queue is annoyed with him. Now I'm on holiday and would never get physical anyway (I'm a lover..) so this year I'd like to have a quiver of witty retorts ready as opposed to 10 minutes later as I'm getting off the top of the lift. when I think I should have said this or that. All languages would be helpful Very Happy

A snowHead

Sometimes physical is good......a few years ago my ski buddy (who was an ex American Football linebacker for his university in USA) just bodily picked up such a person, lifted him over the queue rope and dropped him into a snow bank.
All the time he never said a word.
The rest of the queue clapped when he returned to his place.

It helps to be about 6'8" and 18stone of muscle though.

Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?

Frosty, use your ski pole to release his bindings - when he turns round and starts to give you abuse - if he get up close to you - wave your hand infront of your mouth and pull a disgusted face implying that he has bad halitosis..... Then duck has he takes a swing for you... Toofy Grin

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Nothing to offer, but that feeling of "that's what I should have said" is the most frustrating sensation in the world. I was once queuing in a supermarket, in a long queue, and had finally got to it being my turn. Some chap - without much courtesy - asked if he could go in front of me as he "only had a few things" (I had fewer) so I said no explaining that it was a longish queue and I'd waited quite a while and he'd not given any reason as to why he should be allowed to queue jump - not even a traditional "my wife's giving birth in the car park and I desparately need this butter and 6 eggs" type thing. Anyway. He then asked the little old lady behind me, and I think she was a bit intimidated and just said yes. He then, loudly, proclaimed "at least some people in here have manners!"

And here's what I managed, with all my vocabulary and wit:

"Just f_ck off mate".

Sad

Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.

paulio, how did that get through the swear filter?

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It's a secret.

And actually that's not very sporting of me, I'll edit it out.

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Likewise I can never come up with a timely response - generally though this happens when I'm with one of the kids - so as punishment I let him through to take my kids up for me Laughing

Usually I can also accidently push one of the kids to ski over the back of their nice skis to Twisted Evil

Slightly off topic - but why do they always seem to charge through when the queue is short and they can only save seconds, but when the queue is huge and you need to have 6 people on a 6-seater chair, they're all going up half empty?

After all it is free

brian

Personally I like to plant a ski over the top of theirs and then let a goodly proportion of the queue past them. Twisted Evil

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Patch,

I've always loved that expression since reading it in my book of rude French expressions, kept in the loo in France. However, I've never had the nerve to even think of actually saying it in the hearing of a French person.

Rather than produce my "tourist" French I think I'd go for a suitably withering comment in English. At least then you can be sure you're pronouncing it properly, especially if it's something like

snowHeads are a friendly bunch.

pam w, what was so awful is that I just couldn't help blurting out an obscenity. And then had to stand, red-faced and disgraced having just said a really bad swear - quite loudly - in a shop full of old ladies and children... all the while with the queue-jumper stood in smug silence behind me having neatly avoided a 15 minute queue.

brian

holidayloverxx,

By the powers of italicisation, I shouldn't wonder. wink

quote this,

arse

to see how.

pam w,

I was standing at the end of the lift line last year, Laax I think, and a teenage girl came careering down the hill, round the corner, didn't manage to stop at me, hit me and fell over. I didn't fall over (I must be very solid!). She had the nerve to glare at me as if to say what was I doing standing there?? I gave her my best withering stare through my googles - but didn't say anything Sad

You know it makes sense.

I've never quite had the nerve to do this: if someone jostles past you into a gondola with a rack outside, remove their skis from it when the doors shut.

Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:

laundryman, you've stolen from the letters page of a recent ski mag Smile

A snowHead

paulio,

I came up with my best ever withering retort quite by accident. I went into a bus shelter in Swansea, one cold, dark and very wet night, to find a man with a huge great Irish wolfhound or something. "Is that big enough for you then?" he asked. "It must cost a fortune to feed", I said rather unoriginally, but with a friendly smile. He looked a bit nonplussed, and it was only then I noticed that he was exposing himself. (Well it was a dark night, and the dog was more impressive...).

I hurried outside, feeling very foolish, and warned the two nice old ladies approaching the stop that perhaps we'd better stay outside. The guy with the dog slunk down the road. If I'd seen what he was up to at the outset I'd not have been able to say anything, certainly not anything witty.

A snowHead

I've pretended to fall over on people before. i.e. they knocked me and I've accidentally on purpose lost my balance and fell onto them. Seems to work better than words.

Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?

paulio, I don't buy mags - but I've almost certainly recycled it from here. wink

brian

pam w, post of the year. Laughing

Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.

I had some guy once who I had spotted working his way up and aaround the queue...then when the queue narrowed down he ended up right behind with his skis literally between mines to the point I had only had to look down in front of me to see the tips... the ground was going up slightly so it was quite awkward anyway...so I let a few people go first (he's literally blocked in my skis so can't go araound..) then put my poles so the the plastic ring at the bottom would rest on his ski tips ...then I pushed hard....I went up the little slope.....he took a tumble down... Toofy Grin

otherwise on a couple of occasion I loudly commented on how stupid I was queuing all this time when all I had to do was go around it, all the while satring at the person...on both occasions I got the "did not realise that was the queue.." rolling eyes

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One of my most satisfying, if petty, moments in my life was when after looking for a parking space for the best part of 20min in a shopping centre in France, I got incensed by a car that had parked in a way that it was effectively preventing/putting off anyone from use the space next to them. So in the end I came back to it, and as I was driving an old banger, I manged to juste about squeeze my car in, but it meant they could only access their boot.
Then I started on my way, when a girl turns up just then and says "hey, I can't get into my car!"....
I replied "well then next time you'll park it properly won't you " and walked off.... I was so happy..... Laughing

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Kruisler, so much easier to be sarcastic when you speak French though. What do you suggest for those of us who are (shall we say) less than fluent?

After all it is free

I am a phque off man myself, but have other various tactics, flicking someone out of their bindings in the queue is not one of them, as an altercation between the ski shod, and the unshod is only going one way. If they were totally drunk I might dob them in with the liftiee.

I did see a ridiculous argument about pushing in one place in a short queue which ended when one guy punched the other in the face with his skis causing a large gash. The perpetrator made his escape onto the lift but the liftiee phoned the top and had him stopped.

pam w,

toughie because it's all in the tone...

I would say something along the lines of " Je suis vraiment desole, j'espere que la queue ne vous gene pas trop" ( I am sorry, I hope the queue isn't getting in your way too much) but tone and dirty look is what really makes it work.. Toofy Grin

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paulio, Tend to agree with the up front expletives. My brother in law once told an older lady, dressed up in the best of Bogner gear in Lech, who was trying to queue jump 'to go and fu** herself' in a broad Glaswegian accent. Whilst I was very embarrassed by his response it did work. Laughing

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boabski, turning a Scots accent up three notches always scares people. I have no idea why, but it comes in handy now and then. Laughing

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Kruisler, I'll practice. I'll ask my French teacher what she recommends, too. She's a skier, she'll get the point.

You know it makes sense.

Last year on the Sella Ronda at Selva, we were queing for chairlift. I really hate the chair out of the town as it is complete chaos. You have to walk over a bridge and are immediately confronted by crowds of people trying to find a tiny space to put skis on to ride the chair. Became aware of an English chap in front of us with really loud braying voice discussing with his companion the wonderful hotel they were staying in and the drink by the pool they were going to have when they got back. At the time I thought he sounded a bit of a twit obviously wanting everyone to hear him. Anyway amongst the chaos of hundreds (it seemed) of people throwing down their skis, trying to putting them on and shuffling forward he started screaming at my friend's husband for going over his son's (age about 35) snowboard. He shouted about how much it cost and so on. Our friend apologised but really couldn't help the situation as there was so much pushing forward going on. Man was f-ing and blinding and then accused our friend of "being a common little man who could only afford hired skis"! Friend's husband who is normally incredibly witty could only manage an "f off" as he was so shocked. What made it worse were the Germans behind us laughing. It must have looked so pathetic and undignified. Evil or Very Mad

Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:

Had a scots guy light up a smoke on the Nightlink ( A bus that takes all the drunk people to the various suburbs of Dublin for €4 on a weeknight) a few weeks ago I opened a window he got aggresive about it being cold and used some rude words

Mrs O calmly turns around and says " My aploogies we didnt realise that you had not aclimatised from Glasgows andalucian sun to Irelands more temperate climate" Laughing

I nearly wet myself as I was about to tell him to F off and put out the cigarette

A snowHead

Christina1, I do hope that nobody followed that tw@t (at a distance) until he stopped for lunch and then turned down the DIN settings to zero when he wasn't looking. Evil or Very Mad

A snowHead

Christina1, that's shocking. Shocked

Remind me never to go Selva. I just couldn't be bothered with that kind of lift queue, and as for the braying Englishman.... I wonder how it would have been possible to get one's own back?

Actually, in our ski area the queues, 95% French, are normally pretty well behaved and good humoured, and particularly careful if there are any kids around. It's only the two Parisian weeks in February when tempers can get a bit frayed and we make a point of giving them a miss.

Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?

Christina1,

"all that money, such a good hotel and equipment ....(wait for him to feel flattered)... but I bet you ski like a twyat."

..... might of worked

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The regular lifties in La Plagne have subtle ways of dealing with queue jumpers and obnoxious punters, the little push of the chair at the right moment, holding the chair back so it rushes forward for loading or giving the safety bar counterweight a big shove so it comes down just that bit quicker Toofy Grin

Most notably the guys on the Becoin lift out of Plagne centre have all of the above down to a fine art Laughing

Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.

I'm afraid I am not witty in the slightest - i'll tell them to jog on, if they persist or deliberately ski over my board/ skis ( Not generalising but tend to be fat English middle aged bores who have skis of such a level they will never justify) then I will shout something quite mean like "thats the man who raped my dog " or something childlike. Its not big, nor clever but it makes me feel better.

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Good place to share this story:

Was going up the Sneekar(sp) in mayrhofen one time, and got on the chair with me, my dad, two boarders and an old(er) lady. The lady wanted to pull the bubble down over us on the way up. Though it wasnt cold, snowing, or windy, i didn't really mind all that much (she was probably alot colder than I was tbf). The boaders however, decided the bubble wasnt such a good idea. To cut a very long conversation short, the boarders ended up using the genius phrase "we're snowboaders, we're bad**s Mother***ers". Old lady got offended, and left the bubble issue alone. Me however, decided that the best course of action was to, upon leaving the chair, ski over the backs of their boards - causing them to collapse into a pile of 'bad**s' swearyness. It was a beautiful sight, and actions really do speak louder than words NehNeh

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After all it is free

Not a witty retort, but once when queueing for the gondola up from Soldeu village first thingthere was a huge line snaking down the ramp and a Castillan lady very verbally pushed her way through the queue wih her little darlings as they were going to be late for ski school. "Should have thought of that earlier you rude bint" I thought. Being in large group of English we were able to "not understand" and block her way - but she had already pushed her way past about half of a 20-30 min queue and I was pretty cross as the liftie appeared to be ignoring the action and was standing right by the lift pass gate.
I was wrong. He waited the further five or so minutes that it took her to get to the gate and then hauled her out of the queue (with her family) and escorted them right to the back of the queue, past a load of people who proceeded to give her verbal for her earlier actions. It was wonderful. Very Happy

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Why bother? Just let 'em get on with it. After all it's not as if you'll never get on the chair/gondola etc... I can't be bothered getting shirty with people in lift queues. It's bad karma man Cool

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Witty retorts

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