TR - Snowboarding Update HT24

A snowHead

I am sure my fans [ed.: all three of them] are waiting with bated breath for an update on my snowboarding journey. So see below, with a new format for giggles….

Project Send - Final Project Review Report

Executive Summary

In March 2023, the Supervisory Board of the Société mutuelle de skieurs à mi-parcours de Fulham FC (the “Company”) conditionally authorised the deployment of significant resources under the code name “Project Send” for certain Company associates to become proficient in “snow-boarding”, a little-known variant of downhill snowsports whereby the practitioner is bound by the feet to a waxed board, perpendicular to the direction of intended travel, in order to convey him/herself down the fall line of a snow-covered slope.

In December 2023, the Board received an interim report, attached for reference. This report comprises the final project review report in respect of Project Send.

Following the findings evidenced herein, the Board has determined that Project Send is to be terminated with immediate effect. Project Manager @Dyrlac is ordered to transfer immediately back to the Skiing Operations division on a probationary basis.

This report will be placed in Dyrlac’s personnel file and retained in Company archives as a warning for future corporate leaders and other interested parties. Junior Associate @Lad 2 is not, at this time, subject to disciplinary action and will be promoted to team leader of the reduced Snow-boarding Operations division.

Background

On 18 February 2023, following the successful completion of the Three Valleys Escapade (reported here), during a celebratory function at Le Rond Point (in Méribel, Three Valleys, France) Dyrlac and Lad 2 announced to the Board that they had “completed” skiing and proposed the establishment of a Snow-boarding Operations division for the Winter 2023/2024 season despite having never engaged in snow-boarding before and, in the case of Dyrlac, having no prior experience in board sports (eg, skateboarding, wakeboarding or surfing). Despite strong reservations, the Board approved the proposal, subject to an internal rate of return hurdle keyed to the achievement of objectives against incremental costs of the Project and an undertaking not to say “we didn’t warn you”.

Project Objectives

* Have a mildly diverting tale to dine out on for the remainder of Dyrlac’s snowsports career.
* Become better snow-boarders than the Skiing Operations team members were skiers by the conclusion of the 2024 Half Term corporate retreat.
* Avoid debilitating injury or otherwise causing embarrassment to the Company.

Review of Progress Since Interim Report

In December 2023, the Project Send team travelled to Tignes, France for a weeklong training camp to obtain proficiency in the art of snow-boarding. This objective was reasonably achieved by Lad 2 and Lad 3, but Dyrlac’s results were more limited. The interim report is here.

Following treatment of and recuperation from the cumulative injuries sustained during the training camp, Dyrlac undertook supplemental instruction at the Snow Centre in Hemel Hampstead, United Kingdom in January 2023, where he demonstrated adequate progress to justify continuing the Project.

The Company’s Half Term corporate retreat took place from 10 February to 17 February 2024 in Méribel Village, Three Valleys, France, with representatives from the Wandsworth, Tooting, Wimbledon and American branches. On arrival, Lad 3 announced his withdrawal from the Project and requested a transfer to Skiing Operations. Lad 2 and Dyrlac persevered, although Dyrlac received authorisation for assistive equipment upgrades in the form of Burton Step-On bindings and compatible boots (which eliminate much of the buckle faff and sitting down associated with traditional snow-board bindings). For the record, he attributes the qualified results achieved to this equipment and advises haters to “do one”.

Lad 2 demonstrated sufficient snow-boarding proficiency to keep up—making limited allowances for the lower velocities realistically achievable by snow-boarding compared to skiing—with the junior Skiing Operations team (who, notwithstanding the absence of any instruction for several years, have progressed well beyond the abilities of most of the senior team members). While it would be an overstatement to assert that Lad 2 was better at snow-boarding than the skiers were at skiing, he undertook several long distance multi-valley explorations with Skiing Operations; navigating red, black and off-piste routings without injury, incident or delay, including on an ill-advised diversion down Ours, the notorious pan-flat cat track between Mt. Vallon and Méribel Mottaret, where he cadged a tow at a critical point from a kindly skier affiliated with a rival syndicate.

Dyrlac was considerably less successful and was generally confined to the Altiport sector of Méribel Valley and the gentler sectors of Courchevel 1850 and 1650. A further supplemental instruction session on Day 2 did result in a breakthrough in “knee steering” (a turning method characterised by initiating edge changes through the direction and positioning of the leading knee relative to the nose and edges of the snowboard), but the cumulative effort expended—validated by contemporaneous heart rate and respiratory data—necessitated more refuelling stops than he had ever taken in his skiing career (historically, zero), and steeper blue routings required a reversion to the “falling leaf” method of descent (an embarrassing series of traverses of the slope without changing the orientation of the snow-boarder’s body relative to the fall line). Where only red or black routings were available, he was reduced to “downloading”, a shameful practice whereby the coward willingly boards a lift with the intent of downhill transport to avoid steeper or more technical descents.

By Day 5, Dyrlac was, however, able to keep up with Skiing Operations in the Altiport sector, including aesthetically pleasing descents from TS DENT DE BURGIN and TS ADRET, but the Board makes note of the desire that day of the injured members of Skiing Operations to “take it easy”. Nonetheless, Skiing Operations observed that Dyrlac was “better than we expected” and pronounced themselves “mildly impressed given what we were hearing”. The effort expended, however, resulted his abjectly poor performance on Day 6 (including ridiculous downloads on TC RHODOS 1 and TS ST MARTIN EXPRESS) and an abandonment of plans to snow-board on Day 7.

Project Costs

Costs to date for Project Send have totalled incremental expenditures (in addition to those incurred by Skiing Operations during the course of FY23/24 and excluding training camp and corporate retreat costs which would have been for the account of Skiing Operations in the ordinary course) of €4,240 in the form of tuition fees for private instruction, directly attributable physio and medical expenses, Snow Centre lift passes and ancillary costs, supplemental equipment hire, and rail commuting transport costs incurred whilst Dyrlac was unable to cycle to work due to injuries sustained in the training camp.

The Board also notes for the record the unquantified logistical and emotional toll imposed on certain key Company associates as a direct result of Project Send.

Evaluation and Conclusions

While the Board recognises that there were certain mitigating circumstances (inter alia: (i) Dyrlac’s non-snowsports-related professional responsibilities requiring significant time and attention during Half Term, resulting in limited opportunities for après-ride consumption of recovery beverages and relaxation and (ii) [REDACTED FROM PUBLIC REPORT BY THE CHIEF LEGAL OFFICER]), the Board concludes that Project Send has not achieved two of its three stated objectives and that there is no reasonable prospect of it doing so in the medium term.

Accordingly, Project Send has not met the internal rate of return hurdle imposed by the Board in its original authorisation. Dyrlac’s proposal for “one more week” to implement a performance improvement plan is DENIED. He may, on an extraordinary and case-by-case basis, apply to engage in snow-boarding during trips not involving Skiing Operations at his own expense.

Lad 2 is AUTHORISED to continue snow-boarding and will assume the team leader role of the reduced Snow-boarding Operations division. His proposal for the establishment of Park Operations is conditionally APPROVED, subject to professional instruction.

The Board extends its thanks to Junior Associate Lad 3 for his compliance with the Company’s whistleblowing policy.

By ORDER of the Supervisory Board
Société mutuelle de skieurs à mi-parcours de Fulham FC

18 February 2024

A snowHead

LOL. If it helps, I skied for the first time in 10 years last week!

Also, as a general FYI, Tignes (and reportedly other resorts too) are insisting on leashes with step-on bindings as there have apparently been one or two accidents attributed to boards detaching while on the lift!

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@Dyrlac, brilliant trip report, do you write for a living? In a weird twisted way you're almost inspiring me to try it. I mean, how bad can it be? Toofy Grin

Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.

Just as a counterpoint, I picked up snowboarding really quite quickly, linked turns at a reasonable pace on blues on day 2, “off piste” on day 4. I do seem to pick stuff up really quickly (but have a tendency to plateau in terms if ability). The reason for posting is to say, “it’s not too late”, @Gämsbock go for it - just make sure it’s on reasonable snow, no ice!!!

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@Dyrlac, Made me laugh. And think B hell! Well done to all for trying Very Happy

Help!!

TR - Snowboarding Update HT24

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