Losing all motivation

A snowHead

Hello, long time lurker first time poster here!

I’m coming to the end of a week away skiing but between the busy slopes, chopped up snow, bad weather, lack of cardio and lack of progress I’m just losing all motivation.

I’ve only ever skied with my OH, who has taught me from never touching a ski to being able to get down blues in parallel (I revert to snowplow when I’m tired or stressed though). He’s been super patient and I have learnt a lot, but I do struggle with the steeper blues as I seem to have a fear of loss of control which makes me panic and go stiff as a board. I’m terrified of trying a red even though OH really wants me to and is convinced I’ll be fine. And I guess by this point I really should be able to get down one (I’ve skied for about a total 3.5 weeks over 5 years so far) but the idea is really stressing me out.

OH is a good skier, can do icy blacks with moguls, off-piste exploring, loves speed etc, and was mostly taught by friends but has also had a couple weeks tuition over the years.

He’s extremely patient and constantly tells me he’s having a good time tottering down behind me on blues and finishing after 3 hours because my legs hurt, but i feel like he’s getting frustrated now.

I’ve pitched the idea that ski school might be really good for me, but he says I’m making good progress so doesn’t see why spend the time or money when he can teach me. Also he reallyyyy doesn’t want to ski alone when I would be in lessons (none of our buddies ski or board, and all the trips he’d been on before were with work so no idea how to solve this)

I was so excited to come skiing, but now I’ve got a couple days left of this holiday (inc today) and I really just have no motivation. Not sure wether to push for ski school for these last few days or if that will just be a waste of time now and just suck it up.

When I first put on skis I loved it. When I go down a cruisey blue in fresh snow I’m still loving it. Being up in the mountains, love it. I just wish I was better. I’m a cross country horse rider, so speed and risk isn’t an issue for me usually!

Sorry for the essay, any advice would be massively appreciated - thanks in advance Smile

A snowHead

Bite the bullet and sign up for group lessons maybe next time out. He'll just have to put on his big boy pants and do some skiing alone or find others to ski with.

Otherwise you're headed to a point of mutual frustration where he wants you to try tougher stuff and mentally you are not ready.

PS the learn from a partner concept is usually avoided by most even sometimes when the partner is an accredited instructor.

Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?

Definitely do some lessons, and suggest a couple of 2hr sessions during the week. Maybe other half could do same? If not sure he can cope with just a couple of sessions apart!

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Welcome to the forum@Skikskiski,

Definitely go for the lessons, it'll help certainly with deciphering what you're feeling at least. It's no insult to your OH but more confirmation of how far he's been able to get you.
Outside view will help you both with good instructions.

Don't let the colour of slopes "get" you on the hop, stay on blue at the level you describe and target improvement there definitely. It's no big deal to have that red description under your belt as it were, create the time for yourself on blue graded piste in reasonable comfort.

Its short time, experience wise, you've been skiing. You seem entirely and normally on target in my view regarding getting around a ski area,
Certainly more informed tuition can contribute a lot at this point in building progression skills. It's exactly what I would expect.

If you can gently get just a few extra key pointers to work on, then you'll probably start to feel yourself that additional progression.

Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.

The best skier in the world could always benefit from a couple of lessons, even just from the point of view of taking it back to basics and rebuilding to remove bad habits.

Even world cup professionals are often seen going back to snow plough turns during the off season training!

I was in a similar position (me being the partner) my wife started skiing with me but i had several years and trips on her so there was a skills gap. Our way of solving it was to contact a private instructor and explain our situation and get him / her to take both of us at the same time.

While he brought her level "up" he also worked with me to bring me down a peg or two and point out / iron out all my bad habits all during the same lessons, we stopped for coffee together and it meant we both learned loads and got a lot out of it.

Its one thing being able to get down a icy black without falling or go really fast and stop, but its sooo much more important to do it all in control, learn to understand and handle different snow types, understand different turn shapes and when to use them and fundamentally be safe and a responsible skier.

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Take a day off skiing together and either chill all day or have a nice long boozy lunch. I know this sounds strange when you've paid for a week away skiing but sometimes its better to take a break from it and look forward to the next day when your back on the slopes.

Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...

You've taken the first step by accepting your situation, looking at options plus you've talked about it with your OH. IMHO private lessons could be a good investment in the long run(no pun intended) but take time to find the right match of an instructor. Check with other Snowheads for recommendations.. Bad weather: don't ski if you're not going to enjoy it: try something different: snowshoe, hike, read a good book. For the OH, check if other SH's are in the resort. I've been in the same situation, wanting to ski but the OH doesn't & I'm not comfortable to ski on my own but I have had to do it. You'll figure it out & best of luck.

After all it is free

Three recommendations.

1) Ski school
2) Ski school
3) Ski school

General point, and making no assumptions here: a good skier does not necessarily make a good teacher. Same as in any walk of life. A rocket scientist is unlikely to be the best person to teach primary school maths.

Also, it's a ski holiday. The clue's in the name. You ski, and you have a holiday. If you don't feel like skiing for a morning/afternoon/day, have a break - it's not compulsory to go out, and the holiday is more enjoyable if you're not getting stressed. I rarely ski every day of a week away, although admittedly I do generally (pre-pandemic) have more than just the single trip during a winter.

I should have added I first went skiing when i was 12. Every year until uni i had group lessons. I skiied a good number of my adult years either one week or two weeks a year. Also had lessons and practice on dry ski slopes. I still REALLY appreciate a private lesson or two every now and then. Partly due to my head demons and injuries I am carrying

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I’d suggest:

- private lessons now and on your next ski trip. If the cost is a stumbling block, on a six 6 ski trip take 3 on mornings 1, 2 & 4 to break it up a bit.
- go on holiday with some fitness eg from bike riding. Yoga or ski specific exercises too.
- depending on resort altitude/aspect/climate, skiing in Jan/Feb will in the vast majority of winters offer better snow conditions without heaps of soft snow.
- have a big say in the choice of resort, looking for those praised for gentle wide runs to build confidence.

Quality lessons are the key. Respectfully, OH is wrong about that. Skiing’s a technical skill, learn properly from an expert who’s also had extensive training in how to teach. The best investment you’ll ever make.

It worked for the 4 of us, variously at different resorts in Europe or North America. There’s a kind of magical moment when you overcome that first stumbling block, and later other frustrating plateaux.

Good luck and enjoy it.

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It takes properly taught technique, that has been understood and then practiced, to cope when conditions get tough. It also takes experience.

Being taught by somebody, who hasn't had many lessons themselves, is not ideal....and is a recipe for having everything fall apart when the light goes flat, the Piste gets busy and the snow gets chopped up.

So, I'm with everyone else - Go for the lessons. Look for guaranteed small class sizes and English speaking Instructors....or get Private Lessons.

Also, IMV. To enjoy skiing, you must have Fun. Fun comes from Confidence. Confidence comes from Technique. Technique comes from lessons.

If this cycle starts unravelling, confidence is lost, motivation is lost, enjoyment is lost and frustration increases.

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I doubt your partner is really "a good skier", as anyone who is would already know:
(a) that you can't teach your partner to ski any more than you can teach them to drive;
(b) ultimately good skiers will be frustrated if they're skiing with novices.

The poster above says it all - that path from fun, via confidence and technique, all starts with lessons.

2 hrs with a private instructor will do you the world of good - and if you can, even though you've not got long left this time, try and get one in before you go home. It will mean you end the week on a high, and go into your next week with renewed confidence.

On your next trip, definitely ski school for a couple of days, or a private instructor. Your partner would benefit from the same. We have skiied every year (apart from 2021...) for 14 years, but were in our 30s when we started, so it was hard to learn. We did ski school the first 3 years, then went it alone (as it were), but on all but 2 trips have had a session with an instructor (either just the 2 of us, or with our friends if we're in a group) and learnt so much each time. It has made a huge difference to our progress - me in particular, because my main issue is confidence rather than ability. I need someone to tell me I'm doing OK, and to give me those few extra little tips and tricks to improve my technique. I try and make sure I learn something new each trip, and to apply it.

You know it makes sense.

The reason I suggested group lessons is

i Better to sign up for a full series
ii You are unlikely to have unique needs or be " held back" at your level
iii Peers to boost your confidence and possibly ski with outside of lessons

If you go for a quick hit of private the risk is you limit the number due to cost and your partner immediately drags you off somewhere you don't want to go after, undoing the progress you'l have made or has unhelpful countertips.

You could of course consider a group holiday like a Bash next year to give him people to ski with while you find your own crowd.

Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:

@WoottonBecs, +1. We also always have a lesson, even on a snowheads bash i tok myself off for a lesson to learn a bit more and get some confidence!

Also, from experience - there's nothing more likely to destroy your confidence and motivation than the feeling that you're lagging behind and your OH is waiting for you. Having lessons will get you to a point where you can enjoyably ski together and get rid of the pupil/teacher dynamic. Then it will be fun!

A snowHead

Over the 25+ years I've been skiing I have had a couple of periods/trips early on where I've felt a bit flat/demotivated. But I've gotten over it by a combination of new kit, great conditions, going with other people, etc.

Personally I wouldn't be going group lessons but do a 2 hour private on your second day next trip. That should give you a nice boost, help to improve your level confidence.

Out of interest if you boyfriend is so experienced how come he has no ski buddies to do trips with? Reason for asking really is mixing things up might help relieve some of the tensions both ways.

A snowHead

Well I don't think I'm going to add anything to whats already been said - your confidence will come from some professional tuition and while your OH has done great work with getting you up and running, its time to go for either a group or one-to-one to get you to your next level, and find that confidence which will be harder while you think you're "Holding Back" your partner - nobody likes to think they're spoiling someone elses day.

As for your OH not liking to ski by himself - unless I'm mistaken you're in the US or North America? - many NA mountains offer free guided groups that people can join (IIRC they are sometimes referred to as Mountain Hosts) maybe he would consider doing something like that while you're taking some tuition.

Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?

JanetS and I are both instructors, but we still have to be very careful critiquing each others skiing. I have known a very good, highly qualified instructor try to coach his "easy blue run only" partner into skiing better - it was the last ski holiday they ever went on!
Ignore your partner's protestations, get independent professional instruction. A week of good lessons and you will be able to ski faster, more confidently, and be happy skiing with him. A win for both of you.

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Lessons! I too have picked up that you sound as if you are in NA and I know that private lessons can be extortionate (my stepson has worked as an instructor in NA for a couple of seasons). However, after 3.5 weeks you really need someone to make sure you've got the basics right and help you get beyond bad habits.
I honestly don't know how you can deal with being taught by your OH. At best it's ill advised, especially if he too is self taught, and at worst, it can lead to divorce or murder! Very Happy

. The words "you'll be fine" are often uttered just before said murder is committed. I think you are being too gracious towards him.I must admit I find it odd that he would rather ski with you all of the time rather than have a morning to zoom around at his own pace. Is he afraid that if you take a lesson or two, you will tell him that what he's taught you is wrong?

Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.

I agree with all the lessons and getting your own space advice above. This could be a bigger issue than skiing, so if you are feeling channeled in other areas of your relationship, it might be helpful to get support there too, to bring it back into balance. Forgive me if I'm reading too much into this.

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I doubt the OP is from over the pond what with mentioning red pistes.

It is fairly common to hit a plateau after a few weeks as the rate of practice v reward in improvement slows up. Especially if you are being taught by someone who has never had a lesson.

In the OP's case, with a partner that really doesn't want to ski alone and the OP who is having doubts, I would agree with what @enduroaid, suggested and go for a private lesson for the pair of you.

Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...

As others have said, definitely take some lessons... Either ski school (which is great fun!) or private lessons, perhaps together (everyone can learn something!). I keep a little note of the key things I'm told when I have lessons and refer back to them on the next trip.

I'd also urge caution re learning from someone who isn't a professional, especially a partner... While I've been on the slopes I've seen so many women being encouraged by their partners to do runs they clearly aren't comfortable with, and have also seen women bought to tears on the slopes for this reason, which could put them off for life. rolling eyes

It's your holiday too so really important that you enjoy it! If your partner is as good as he thinks he is he'll be fine skiing on his own while your perfecting your technique and in the longer term you'll be able to enjoy your holidays together more as your confidence on a range of slopes increases. He could test out some new red runs for you to try later.

Yes lessons cost money, but not much in comparison to the overall cost of the holiday.

Also a word about transitioning to red slopes. You sound just like me...But over the years I've found that often blues can be harder (more people some of whom are over confident of their ability as on easier runs and skiing faster than they might on a red, churned snow etc) whereas a piste marked red nearby (e.g.and alternative route down the same slope if that makes sense) can be much nicer experience...quieter, better snow and even if it's a bit steeper if you take your time (a turn at a time) and focus on you, it's often better. I had this experience the other week when I was skiing solo... The blue run was crowded with people bombing down (I was nearly taken out twice!) but the 'next door' red was lovely!

After all it is free

as said above - lessons ...
With due respect to your OH, he is a self taught skier - whilst he might ski OK he won't have an instructors skill set, and you clearly don't have confidence in his instructing or you would be progressing. If you are freezing up on a blue, don't go with him onto
My wife has often gone through phases of lacking confidence over the years, esp in the early weeks and ending up as you are...these days she will happily tackle any pisted slope (doesnot like moguls, crap snow etc.,)
A few sessions with a good instructor (either group or private) work wonders, if you trust them they will bring the skier out.

As for not wanting to ski alone while you have lessons rolling eyes

... if he can't occupy himslef for two hours ripping up the piste &/or having a beer/coffee whilst you improve your skiing he's a bit of a waste of space and is unable to see the benefit to him of you skiing better ...
alternatively (and more sinisterly) this could be a case of coercive control and he doesnot want anyone else influencing you....

It's a really bad thing for a crisis of confidence to be skiing with someone and feeling guilty about slowing them down / stopping them going on reds - and the worst thing you could do is get talked into doing things you aren't comfortable with for fear of disappointing someone.

I say this as someone who used to be an incredibly nervous skier, all of the things you said resonated with how I used to be - and I promise there is a way through this - and you will get to a point when you don't worry about what colour run you're going on and you'll have the tools to deal with changing snow conditions. Your legs will hurt even more right now because of the tension - once you get more comfortable with carrying a bit of speed and not skidding turns, your legs will thank you! Sadly, blue pistes tend to be busy and can seem full of idiots who have no respect for novice skiers - once you're happy on reds, you'll probably discover that you prefer them!

A really good (paid-for!) lesson will take you to the edge of your comfort zone without frightening you, show you how improvements in your technique translate to increased confidence and give you important tools to take forward. With the greatest respect to your OH, if he isn't a trained ski instructor, he won't have the special little techniques to get you over this.

My husband had fun lessons in the terrain park whilst I was having my ski lessons - everyone was entertained!

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like everybody else has said- Lessons. We (friends and family) can, in the main, only do so much. You have reached the Plateaux - some reach it earlier than others............. you'll be surprised how easy you move on and to be honest your Hubby needs to suck it up and have a couple of days on his own!!

There's no one correct answer to your situation but:

You know it makes sense.

Lots of good sense above. Lessons, definitely, and from what you say one two-hour session, however good the instructor, won't help you much. A whole week of lessons would be much more effective, and get you out from under.

A lot depends on your motivation. Getting fitter and stronger will definitely help. But like many of those who've commented above, I think your OH is holding you back. Could you both do a "ski camp" style holiday where you both have lessons all week, at the right level for you.

Even better would be for you to go away and do a ski camp on your own, and get right away from his tuition and his nagging you to do more than you want. But I suspect that's a step too far.

It makes me cross that he doesn't want to waste his money on lessons for you. Couldn't you decide to waste some of your own money? wink

Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:

A snowHead

A snowHead

Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?

If he's never tried it, suggest he tries snowboarding for your final day. Twisted Evil

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@pam w, I never had you down as that evil Very Happy

Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.

I think group lessons for you and maybe a private lesson or two for your OH, so he has the option to work on drills etc when you ski together rather than skiing down and then nagging you down the piste! It's unlikely he has perfect technique which means he will hit a plateau/find a limit of his own sooner or later anyway.

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I was basically you at the beginning of this week (minus the OH holding me back, mines at home as he doesn't ski ).

I tried a couple of group lessons but learned very little so got a 2.5 hour private lesson yesterday which transformed my skiing. I've had the absolute best day today and even tried my first little red snowHead

I have to say I find your OH's attitude quite odd. Skiing alone is very fun, peaceful and meditative - there's no need to be joined at the hip to a ski buddy and especially not for a reasonably competent skier. But if he really doesn't want to do that he can have a coffee and read a book, surely. As for not wanting to spend -it's a small fraction of the cost of your holiday with a big payoff. Does he try to control you like this in other aspects of your life, also? Do you not have an equal say in how your money is spent?

Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...

After all it is free

[quote="boarder2020"]

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Sign up for lessons ...to reiterate what others say EVERYONE (even the most experienced) can benefit from lessons..as a personal example, I have being skiing over 30 years, am a qualified Instructor & am based in Austria so go skiing on piste & also lots of off piste 60-90 times a season. EVEN SO, I take some refresher lessons every season...however good your other half thinks he is, he will also benefit from lessons so you have the perfect opportunity to improve your skiing separately but at the same time..for various reasons I would not, however, recommend a shared lesson..

Help!!

Losing all motivation

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