So what 10 things did you learn on your first ski holiday?

A snowHead

Probably no worse than a swimming pool & without the weewee...

A snowHead

Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?

@Roguevfr, isn’t there also chlorine in a hot tub? Smells like it.

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1. Keep out of the river
2. Don't wear non-breathable waterproof over-trousers over your trackys
3. Wear your ski jacket above 2000m
4. Watch those poma's, get 'em wrong and they are bad for your health (man-hood)
5. Dry gear out overnight
6. Go top bunk not bottom
7. Avoid cider
8. Avoid beer
9. Avoid the sickly kids on the coach transfer
10. Avoid leather ski boots with laces when the new plastic ones are partially available......get up early and front of the queue. They'll never catch on though said the instructor.....

aged 14

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1. Confirmed/re-learn that long coach journeys are cr@p
2. It's not easy to behave as if you don't have skis on, when you do
3. It's sunny in the Alps and snows every third day but overnight (this turned out to be incorrect)
4. Even as a beginner you can go remarkably quickly, even if not intended.
5. Related to 4. Falling on snow is quite forgiving
6. The French are OK, actually
7. Skiing isn't good prep. for a half marathon
8. I really like skiing
9. What they say about ski instructors and their female pupils is true
10. All ski instructors came 4th in their national races

Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...

1998 Austria Aged 38

1 Older brother was right it’s great
2 wish I’d been able to ski with him before he died
3 don’t do full board
4 Skis don’t grip on blue ice
5 Real snow is faster than the dry slope
6 Drinking schnapps walking up to a hut will end in disaster
7 Don’t do a moonlight solo sledge ride to get back to hotel from the hut
8 When a friend organises the trip, make sure you know how much the hotel will cost up front, especially when said friend clearly earns more money than me
9 Don’t put drinks on to a bar Bill in the hotel
10 My spending habits are going to realigned as I need to do this every year at least

After all it is free

1965-age 13
1 They speak French well in France
2. Mountains are utterly awe inspiring
3. Skis are very long
4. Walking uphill in skis is crap
5. Ski instructors make me swoon
6. Any slope can be snowploughed down
7. Cold wet hands hurt.... oh for Gortex
8. Chips and mayo in a mountain cafe is food for the Gods
9. Learning to ski is magic
10. When can I go again.

What is better than skiing??

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1985
1. Why does it take more than 12 hours to get from Hampshire to Tignes?
2. Skiing while recovering from 'flu is not recommended.
3. Snow is more slippery than dendix.
4. Moguls the size of VW beetles are not easy in a snow plough.
5. Falling over is part of the fun Toofy Grin

6. Pizza is good for lunch.
7. Rental boots hurt your feet.
8. Getting off of a chairlift can be tricky.
9. Some drag lifts can be difficult to get on lol.
10. This skiing is a lot of fun.

snow reports

@Gordyjh, not enough. Water rarely changed all season in many places. Take your own testing kits if you plan to use one.

@Nadenoodlee, or have a shower afterwards

You know it makes sense.

1996 Breckenridge on a 3 day work incentive trip

1. Ski boots really hurt and changing them only mitigates it a bit
2. I can't stop on even the most benign slope without throwing myself to the ground
3. The people who said I should go to Tamworth Ski Dome to learn the basics before the trip were right
4. Mary Beth (the instructor) knows EVERYONE
5. American bacon is crap
6. Playing pool for money in the bar against your biggest work rival is never going to end well
7. Choosing ski lessons for 3 full days (as a total beginner) means you'll have a private instructor by the end of the third day because all bar one of the others will have given up
8. There's a thing called a hockey stop!
9. Mary Beth's life is so much better than mine (Ski Pro in the winter, Golf Pro in the summer, lives in Daddy's condo in Breck and models sportswear in her spare time....)
10. Skiing is the coolest thing in the world

Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:

1. How to turn
2. How to dodge small children on reins
3. That my children could out-ski me in a matter of days
4. How absolutely beautiful Austria is
5. That I looked like a complete pillock in the cheap pink Decathlon helmet I'd bought
6. Buying gloves in resort will cost €€€€€ (but are so worth it)
7. That it hurts when you are minding your own business on a flatish straight and a 6'0 man crashes into the back of your 5'0 self.
8. That getting up early and getting everyone out of the apartment at 9am on holiday was something I looked forward to.
9. That I hate chair lifts (they are horrifying)
10. That I had been missing out my whole life, skiing is incredible.

A snowHead

1. I suffered neglect as a child as my parents never took me skiing
2. Rear Entry is a boot style and not a sexual preference
3. You can put beers on the balcony to keep cold
4. You can count slipping on ice in the ski bus queue as a skiing injury and tell your friends of your heroism
5. White outs aren't that enjoyable
6. Some women look very sexy in ski kit and very few ugly birds can ski
7. Raclette, fondue and tartiflette really are examples of food porn
8. Woolly hats, no matter how designer, do not suit my square head (I am not German incidentally)
9. Your kids will love you forever for taking them skiing and enabling them to become very good skiers (even though both mine have had acl rebuilds)
10. Wednesday's can hurt the most

Don't trust the ESF, particularly during half term

A snowHead

Bansko 2007

1. Snowboarding is the best thing ever
2. Apres is the second best thing ever
3. Snowboarding hurts...alot
4. Off piste is where I want to be
5. Cheap ski pants don't last more than 3 days
6. Bansko must be the wild west of ski resorts
7. Skiers annoy me
8. Get a helmet
9. It's incredibly hot in the hotels
10. Trying jumps when you do not know how to snowboard is a very bad idea

Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?

Obergurgl 1988

1/ Not everyone in Austria can speak English
2/ Munich airport is not a short trip by coach transfer to Obergurgl
3/ Austrian beer is a lot better than the lager you get in England
4/ If you want your beer in one of the nice tall curvy glasses you need to ask for a Weissbier
5/ When it's a nice sunny day in the Alps and you are using lots of energy trying to ski you get warm very quickly and need fewer layers than a cold wet windy day in the UK.
6/ Apfelkorn is a good accompaniment to Beer (and the stronger versions of Schnapps too)
7/ Short people like me seem are given shorter skis which actually turn corners, my tall friends got given skis that looked better for laying as floorboards
8/ Ski boots left in cold outdoor wooden huts are not nice to put on your feet the next day
9/ In Austria it's the law that after you finish skiiing for the day you must drink beer underneath a colourful umbrella whilst listening to europop, and learning that this is known as 'Apres-ski'
10/ Even old ski instructors in their 70's that spend most of their day smoking are very fit and make skiing look a lot easier than it is.

One question which stil puzzles me today is why in Austria they use the French words "Apres-ski" rather than "nach dem Skifahren", especially as they do it so much better than the French.

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Le Corbier, school trip circa 1985......

1. Hired ski clothing looks pretty cool (thanks Aldridge ski shop)
2. Real Tristar planes are more robust than the model the person next to me was playing with. Thankfully!
3. Some resorts are miles from Geneva
4. Original Chapstick is my favourite smell for ever.
5. When sixth formers give you lots of bottles of cheap wine from the supermarket you don't have to drink them.
6. Drinking lots of bottles of wine given to you by sixth formers will make you ill.
7. Listening to Songs from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears with your head down the toilet at 4am doesnt stop you feeling sick.
8. Hearing any song from Songs from the Big Chair by Tears for Fears in future will remind you of being sick whilst skiing.
9. Eventually snow ploughing will 'click'
10. Despite, or maybe because of, 6 i developed a lifelong love of skiing.

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1. Sunscreen exists for a reason;
2. Bring gloves if you care about using your hands ever again;
3. Beer and skiing don't blend well;
4. Poles aren't used to stop yourself;
5. "You'll be fine it's only a blue square" = "We want you to do this and you won't get a season ending injury on it;"
6. Rope-toes are the devil;
7. The main challenge of skiing isn't dodging trees*;
8. You actually have to turn, you don't go straight down hill like when you sled;
9. Don't disobey your ski instructor and take a random turn;
10. You can't snowplow forever.

*The first time I ever saw a ski slope, it was one of the steepest runs on the mountain, but it didn't have moguls, I looked at it, and foolishly said "This looks so easy, skiing is all about dodging trees, right?" Boy oh boy, the first time I tried the baby slope my mind changed for sure.

Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...

After all it is free

1) best part of skiing is taking off your ski boots
2) after 4 hours of apreski taking off your boots does not hurt, actually nothing hurts till morning.
3) don't schedule your first off piste guide for any but last day of your trip(from later trips)
4) check piste map before getting on the chair lift with your beginner wife (that how I lost my wife as a ski partner, not necessarily a bad thing)
5) if you need to catch a plane at Munich give yourself extra 3 hours to get there on regular week and 7 hours for the end of Christmas holiday. Unless you are using trains.

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Vernier 1980
1. You don’t have to keep your hat on all day.
2. Moguls are difficult
2. Snow is much faster than dendix
3. Fresh snow makes my skiing better
4. Crowded ski buses and cable cars are horrible
5. Budget chalets are cheap for a reason (Bladon Lines)
6. Minor irritations in ski boots become major after a few days
7. Remember that the other people in the gondola can probably understand english
8. Your friends might not be as good as they claimed
9. Chalet parties are fun
10. But skiing is the most fun ever!

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Squaw Valley 1972
1. Skiing all day on a sunny day in March blisters your face.
2. Don't use zinc oxide to cover a blistered face.
3. It takes 30 minutes to remove zinc oxide from a blistered face.
4. Safety straps allow the ski that came off your foot to hit you in the blistered face.
5. Sliding down the face of Headwall with your ski hitting your blistered face is painful, especially when you learn that evening that it was seen by many of your mates from the chair.
6. Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill tastes just like you think it does, on the way down and the way back up.
7. It is frustrating to take advantage of your first opportunity to really score with a gal when you are still a boy.
8. Long bus trips are not a great way to travel.
9. There are people who volunteer to chaperone groups of teenagers to go on ski trips. They are saints, and they are insane.
10. I'll want to do this for the rest of my life.

snow reports

1. You can take up skiing at 47 years old
2. Cheap gloves that keep your hands warm in the UK won't in -10C on a mountain
3. When thighs burn they seize up and you can't bend your legs
4. They won't burn the rest of the week
5. Skiing is like Buzz Lightyear called it: falling with style
6. 5 days on a mountain is a long time - but still not long enough (one more run please)
7. The French don't know how to make vegetable soup (for lunch in a mountain restaurant)
8. Baguettes are difficult to eat when they are frozen
9. Up, down, repeat
10. I want to do it all over again

1. Hire skis are cr@p. (2003, La Plagne)
2. Tartiflette is the best food ever invented.
3. Mountains - proper ones - are awesome.
4. The Briancon Stop is very effective.
5. Don't be at the back of the group if you have a garage sale.
6. Walking uphill to get your stuff back is hard work.
7. Don't use pole straps if you want working thumbs.
8. Spring sun in the mountains is like being in an ultraviolet toaster.
9. Own your boots, do not rent them.
10. I want to do this a lot more!

You know it makes sense.

1. Parallel turns are easier than snowplough turns
2. Skiing is the best thing ever
3. Do a season
3. Rental boots/skis suck balls
4. It's all about the steeze
5. Tartliflette and raclette are food of the Gods
6. I'm a beer pong champion
7. Accidentally going off piste is fun but f***ing stupid
8. Apres is awesome
9. Austrian après kicks French après back bottom (ok I learned that on my second holiday)
10. If the barman can't set up jäger trains you get lots of free jägerbombs
@boobleblooble, RN or RM?

Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:

1) Double lace up leather ski boots are not fun ( Austria school trip circa 1971).
2) Do not go skiing in Austria in a low resort at Easter as there may be no snow
3) VW vans to take kids up a high pass to get some snow that hasn’t melted is awful
4) PE teachers like showing off the fact that they have skied before
5) As in a high pass with no lifts, side stepping up the mountain is tiring
6) coming down is fantastic, - must do again
7) female Austrian ski teachers are attractive to a 12 year old boy
Cool

walking up the mountain a night and having a couple of beers with teacher supervision, would not happen today.
9) Being in the mountains is exhilarating.
10) I’d rather not play football in the afternoon in hot sun on a ski trip.

A snowHead

1. Everyone snores so take earplugs
2. Not everyone will want to go clubbing/drinking
3. Not everyone will want a lie in
4. Take your own damn helmet
5. Taking more than one colour of lens is essential
6. Australians are a lot of fun on a night out
7. If the visibility is terrible, don't bother going skiing
8. Ice isn't fun to ski on
9. Don't try and plan everyone's day
10. Find a late night pizza take out for after drinking

A snowHead

Nauders 1976 (staying in Pfunds)

1) When travelling overnight Calais to Landeck, French train conductors are panicked by a 16 yo using syringes (I have been a long time T1 diabetic), and will try to call the cops.

2) A good school master won't berate you for drinking. Instead he'll pretend he didn't notice, but then punish you by teaching you to play Bridge, while you try to pretend to be sober.

3) It is a pointless exercise when an all-boys school and an all-girls school ski trips are billeted in the same hotel, to try to keep them apart.

4) Seriously? I mean WTAF did they think was going to happen? Of course boys will scale the outside balconies if teachers are patrolling the corridors.

5) If you wear a distinctive bobble hat the instructor will put you at the back of the snake and insist you are 'tail end charlie' for the entire week.

6) If queueing for the post bus, you can gain places by knocking other people's bobble hats to the floor.

7) It is possible for an entire school trip to have no broken bones. Except for a finger, broken in the bowling alley.

8 ) No matter what your mother says, you really don't need to simultaneously wear two pairs of Norwegian fishing socks. They just don't help.

9) Similarly pajama bottoms are not a substitute for thermals or long-johns.

10) Skiing rocks.

Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?

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I've a feeling that trip pre-dated Viz by some margin...

I think the choices on offer were the PJs or grandad's old cast offs. It wasn't a difficult choice. Still bloody useless, but at least I retained the merest shred of dignity.
One boy was given nylons by his mother. It did not go well for him. We could be right little SOBs

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Ruck up inside your socks. Nasty polyester or even wyncyette ( I am not landed gentry) - yuk. Think my mum tried it with us first and got a hard no way from me and my bro. Besides salopettes of the time were over insulated ball sweaters.

Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...

1) how to smoke cigarettes
2) how to buy and drink beer
3) how to side step up the hill
Pirtisau on the Achensee.
I see they have a lift nowadays.
When I came home there was a new band in the pop charts ... "The Beatles"

Help!!

So what 10 things did you learn on your first ski holiday?

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