Getting Old (a bloke's perspective)

A snowHead

Oh, where to begin!

To start with, this thread may be in the wrong place, but I craftily inserted one skiing related para, just so it wouldn't have to be relegated to the wilderness along with the Brexit and Trump debates.

It may be counter intuitive, but this is not something that gradually sneaks up on you, but something that that seems to happen out of the blue..
One day you wake up, look in the mirror and to your surprise, see your Father looking back. You have to face the fact, that you are now old (the official progression being, Wrinkley -> Crinkley -> Crumbley)....which goes hand in hand with coming to terms with the fact that your wife has also turned into your mother-in-law!!

You live your life in denial. In other words, there is How you think you are vs How the rest of the world actually sees you....a situation that your family are only too eager to correct.

In my mind, I look like Gary Barlow, thanks to my finely chiseled good looks and designer stubble...Apparently not....I look like a cross between Steptoe and Ian Beale!

In my mind, I have a finely honed body, reminiscent of Bruce Lee...Apparently not....I'm in fact 10st of bone and grizzle, supported on a pair of overly white Chicken Legs!

In my mind, I have a fine crop of thick hair....Apparently not...My ever enlarging Crop Circle has so encroached on my retreating fringe, that the two are close to making a permanent union....but the proof is there if you have the fortitude look for it...for example, while getting my hair cut, I've looked down at the floor and casually wondered why they haven't swept up all the white hair lying about...only to realize that it's mine!

Now, being deluded is only part of the story. If you know what to look out for, there are other indicators which act as sign posts, clearly highlighting whether you have started sliding down the Black Mogul field that leads to Old Fartdom...and this is where I'm in a position to help.

Some of these many and varied factors may include:

- You have finally turned into Victor Meldrew! Your life seems to be a series of ridiculous events, which you handle with defiant grumpiness. In my case, instead of, "I don't believe it", my life is punctuated by, "For Fcuks Sake."
A prime example of this happened just the other day, when I cut my finger while cleaning the house. I carefully put a waterproof sticking plaster on the "near life threatening" gash and manfully carried on. Since the stinging persisted unabated, I blamed Lidl for selling cheap crap...that is, until on closer inspection, I found that I'd put the damn thing on the wrong finger! Doh!

- You have a strong intolerance of overly enthusiastic people.

- You have an overwhelming need to dispense your worldly wisdom to anyone who you can corner; as well as sharing your other infamous talents at every opportunity, which involves telling terrible jokes and coming up with curious and unusual facts (like Bees learning to play Football), that make your family cringe, as they've heard them all ad-infinitum.

- You find yourself living on past glories, as current ones don't quite cut the mustard.

- Getting more and more obsessional about your hobby, be it "Faffing about socks" (Scarpa!?); boring everybody within earshot, by regaling them at length about your new skis, which are Lighter than Helium due to being Carbonized, with multi-length strips of perforated Unobtanium....and enough reverse camber to make a Rocking Horse blush; or writing a thesis (on your Ski Forum of choice), about the merits of Merino Base Layers, the superiority of Lobster Claws and the need for properly fitted boots.

- You have a Luddite's hatred of modern technology, which seems to be more of a mystery than a help (the fact you can't remember any of your passwords doesn't help)...and far too remote, as you greatly morn the loss of the personal touch and face to face communication.

- You now prefer practical comfort over "Looking Trendy". This manifests itself through a preference for comfortable underwear, woolly booties, thick corduroy trousers and flannel PJs (with a proper string).

- A good Night Out has somehow morphed into a good Night In, consisting of a log fire, glass of wine, supper on an "Old Man Tray" which sits on your lap, while watching Period Dramas or Nature Programmes.

- Your hatred of noisy Night Clubs has been replaced with an inexplicable new-found liking of Mozart, Frank Sinatra and Ballet.

- You expound the view, to anyone who will listen, that young people get it too easy and have no idea what hardship really is...all while they listen to sh1te, tuneless music; text endlessly on their phones and constantly munch on rubbish.

- Being shocked that the Consultant who is dealing with your complicated medical issue (which is much worse than everybody else's complicated medical issue), doesn't look old enough to know your ass from your elbow.

- Finding that you have become a martyr to one of your myriad medical conditions. In my case, it's drinking 4 pints of water a day, which necessitates the need for special forward planning ie. that I'm never more than a stones throw from a toilet, or suitable bush....all to mitigate the formation of yet another Kidney Stone.

- A strongly held belief that Video Games are the work of the Devil, as they are the ruination of the young.

- An inability to dance (which seems to happen around the time you become a Dad)....while thinking you are the very epitome of Cool.

- Going to bed feeling perfectly healthy, but waking up with a pain that has materialized, as if from from nowhere....triggering the expletive, "FFS!", as you limp to the toilet (for the third time that night).

- Finding that the phone numbers of your Medical and Health Therapists in your iPhone's Contact Details, now outnumber those of your friends.

- Coming to the realization that the advice given by your parents was actually "right on the money"...but finding that when you try to pass it on, it gets the same raised eyebrows and look of indifference, that you gave it.

- An inability to eat spicy food, as it now triggers a relapse of your IBS.

- Having the notion that all modern actors mumble, which is clearly borne out by the fact that you can't hear what they're saying.

- Finding that you are having to explain to younger folk, who John Wayne, Louis Armstrong or even Elvis, is.

So there you have it. If you haven't yet become an old git, be prepared, as this is the rocky path on which you are inevitably travelling.....You have been warned. Twisted Evil

A snowHead

Hope I die before I get old... wink

Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?

For me the sure sign is this: 'how did it go today?'
'We skied'
'Anything happen?'
'No'

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@Old Fartbag, ha ha ha....oh wink

Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.

Not that I agree with every single one of tose (and I am, after all, also applying a female perspective) but - oh yes!

And then also a terrible panicky desire to cram all of the rest of it - every single thing that you've ever wanted to do, start, finish, get better at, etc, etc - whilst you still can (which is great if you have the time and money...). Now, where's that cheaply- and easily-accessible 365 days a year snow...? snowHead

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@Old Fartbag, Spot on ... FFS! rolling eyes

After all it is free

@Old Fartbag, how old are you ?

As the old adage your only as young / old as you feel still holds true.

But damn, it gets harder every year rolling eyes

@Old Fartbag, i'm too old to wade through your OP. Crying or Very sad

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@Old Fartbag, Ha ha, but there must surely be some positives to this advancing 'maturity' (empathised btw)?!

You know it makes sense.

Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:

A snowHead

@Weathercam, you mean you are only as old as the woman you feel surely wink

A snowHead

Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?

@Old Fartbag,
Frank Sinatra was always good, and if you are really so old, why use a cringe making Americanism like "ass" when you have a splendidly British (one might even stretch to Anglo Saxon) word like ars€. (The interweb machine amends this to back bottom without a little creativity). Embrace your rich heritage of vulgarity.

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OMG... I turn 50 this year. Should I start acting a little more middle aged?

And who is the drunken idiot in lederhosen giving it large off the balcony to DJ Otzi?

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Sinatra? That's just sick, I'm sorry to hear that.

Getting old? You can insure a brand new Porsche for £150, fully comp. You can afford to fly any class you like. You're smart enough not to take cold calls. You know better than financial advisors. You know the difference between your arse and an ass. You're uglier than you were, but it turns out that women like success more than they like pretty. Your tolerance for alcohol enables you to get happy on half a decent bottle. You can afford decent bottles.

What's the problem again?

Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...

Stay young, do the dabs.

After all it is free

For @achilles:
a summary of the OF's OP, "You know you're getting old when the brain is writing cheques the body can't cash".

Remembering cheques is also a sign.

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Nah - mine's an executive summary - the meat is in the main report. We don't want to lose that.

Old? Moi?

You know it makes sense.

Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:

All these years and never realised i had a twin brother !!!

A snowHead

During 2004 I started getting younger.

No one told my body though.

A snowHead

Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?

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I know I'm old enough not to have time to read all the OP.

Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.

Help!!

Getting Old (a bloke's perspective)

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