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The Rules

 Poster: A snowHead
Poster: A snowHead
An idea I had, inspired by a combination of the Game of Gnar and the Velominati... What 'rules' should there be to maintain suitable etiquette and quality in the mountains? Points could be awarded in an arbitrary manner for following them if you wanted to turn it into a game

Here's a few starters..

    1: It's all about the kit.
    1a: your transceiver should be the first thing you put on after leaving the shower.
    2: tanlines should be restricted to panda eyes. Deliberately skiing in t-shirts in an effort to get a better tan should be discouraged.
    3: The correct number of pairs of skis or snowboards in your quiver is n+1 (where the minimum value for n is 3 : piste, off-piste/tour and park)
    4: Don't suffer 'kit confusion' Dress appropriately for your skiing and/or image : If you're a park-rat, then wear the appropriate baggy kit. If you're carving down the piste, then look suitably streamlined. Also, refer to rule 22.
    5: Harden the fsck up
    6: Eyewear should be snow-sport specific : aviators or clip-on tints are a no-no
    7: Don't be a tw@. If you insist on being a tw@, at least be a funny tw@ : we're all out there to enjoy ourselves.
    8: keep your kit well maintained, clean and shiny. If it's too knackered to be clean and shiny, then apply rule 3. Exceptions to this are where your application of rule 4 is towards stinky telehippy or the core duct-tape dude. Even so, rule 3 should be applied anyway.
    9: Runs should be measured by quality and not quantity. It doesn't matter if you skied that black 25 times, one set of fresh-tracks out of sight of the piste is immediately worth more.
    10: Respect the earth; don’t litter. Put your chocolate bar wrapper back in your pocket on the chair, rather than letting it flutter off on the breeze
    10a :If you smoke, tin your butts. Fag ends take between 5 and 25 years to break down.
    11: the Racing Tuck should only be employed while racing or in race training. Sliding down a blue with your backside and poles pointed skyward is wrong. (Exception to this rule is when skiing in Scotland, and a racing tuck is the only way to maintain any forward motion against the wind)
    12: If you've chosen to go out in a blizzard/whiteout/howling gale then you're officially 'rock hard'. If you're not out in those conditions rule 5 applies.
    13: Drink Espresso at the mountain cafe, it may be accompanied by some water or other drink. if espresso is too strong for you, then rule 5 applies.
    14: You shall not ski with headphones. Skiing and boarding is about getting outside and into the elements and you don’t need to be listening to skrillex/abba/metallic/mozart See Rule 5 and just ski/board. Exceptions can be made to parkratz as headphone can be considered relevant to rule 4.
    15: Don't exaggerate incidents: crashes are only worth announcing in the bar if one or all involved required a blood wagon or helicopter evacuation. Anything less requires the application of rule 5.
    16: follow the rules.
    17: Help others : if they aren't following the rules, it's your job to educate them
    18: Anyone found following or enforcing the rules so blindly that they spoil it for others, taking them too seriously or ignoring the spirit of the rules should refer to rule 7.
    19: The only thing people will be interested in seeing from your helmetcam footage is you or others falling over, everything else is pure personal gratification an therefore best done without an audience...
    20: wearing a helmet cam makes you look like a telly-tubby with it's aerial poking out it's head. Ensure your ability is sufficient to override that look.
    21: Remove your peeps when in the bar afterwards, and refer to rule 15
    22: Ensure your accessories/kit/hardware are appropriate to the conditions : snowploughing down a cruisy-blue with airbag rucksack, shovel, probe, GPS and transceiver is almost as daft as going off-piste with nothing but a piste-map. (but daft for different reasons). See the Gaper Spirit Animal as an example
    23: Days off: You are here to sample the delights of sliding down the mountains, not have a spa day, do some shopping or other non snowsport pursuit. If you want a spa or shopping holiday then go on a spa or shopping holiday. Also refer to Rule5
    24: Lifts open and close for a reason, it is your duty to ensure you arrive as near to lift opening as possible and not return home until at least one lift has officially closed (not due to mechanical failure). For clarification see Rule 5.
    25: Choice of Aprez location should be based on bragging rights in terms of cost, either the cheapest or most expensive, never the average
    26: when you go to any on-slope bar/restaurant, leave your skis somewhere sensible. If you are unable to do this, self-ban yourself from all said locations.
    26a: When leaving skis or boards, remember you are not attempting to recreate the Domino Toppling world record. Place your skis or boards in a manner that is not going to result in a large row of skis and boards crashing to the ground.
    27: Chairlifts are to be used for getting you up the mountain. If you want to go on a swing, go to a park with the other children.
    28: Uplifts (Charlifts, Gondolas, chairlifts and cablecars) are self-describing. They are for getting you UP the mountain. If you find yourself using one to come down when you're not in a position to apply rule 15 then you SHOULD apply rule 5.
    29: The run-off from the top of a chair-lift is designed to allow you to leave the area. It is not designed as a chatting/kit and boot faffing zone.
    30: If a lift is deserted, and you decide you absolutely, totally must get on THAT chair which is already occupied by a family and/or small children, you're not allowed to complain if a small child throws up on you. Either way, rule 5.
    31: If a woman asks a man to carry her skis, she owes him a whoopee!. For anyone else asking for someone to carry their kit. Rule7 and 5
    32: extra points for skiing off-piste on piste skis or skiing with any sort of style on piste with elongated snowboards on your feet
    33: Outwardly, bases are for scraping up and edges are for bashing. Never show anything less than casual pride in damage dealt to your skis. If you are not racing, hotboxing and excessive attention to sharpening and angles are the same as a man purchasing exfoliant. Wax is permitted but no more than once every 7 skiing days. If in doubt see rule 5. However, this does not mean rule8 can be ignored. It's a fine line, but a line all the same
    34: You're not taking lessons. The correct term is clinic or skiing with your coach.
    35: Warranty claims beginning with "I was just skiing along...." are the mark of the fraud and scoundrel. If you are going to break anything ensure it was at least done as a result of being rad or in conjunction with rule15.
    36: When sat outside a bar (and observing rule 13 of course), you must always be the last to put jacket on or suggest going inside when it starts getting cold. Otherwise rule 5 applies. NB losing parts of your anatomy through frostbite and stupidity do not qualify for rule 15. In those cases, rule 7 applies.
    37: Keep up with your friends. If one of you skis it, then all other membes of the group are obliged to, otherwise, Rule 5. However, rule 7 can apply if someone deliberately takes a line which will knowingly bring rule 15 into effect.
    38: Skiing/Boarding is not a cheap activity. If you want to save money - don't go. If you're heard to complain about the cost of things, rule 5 is likely to be applied
    39: The only reason for sitting in the middle of the piste is during incidents leading to application of Rule 15



Feel free to add, augment or generally modify. And PLEASE take it in the manner it was intended.. remember Rule 7 Wink


Last edited by Poster: A snowHead on Sat 17-11-12 10:50; edited 23 times in total
snow conditions     
 Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
feef, FYI, the groms are mainly rockin' the skinny look this year, or the parkratz are super baggy with extra tall-tee.
Large skull-candy cans are de-regeure.

addendums to list.

10a: If you smoke, tin your butts. Fag ends take between 5 and 25 years to break down.
19: The only thing people will be interested in seeing from your helmetcam footage is you or others falling over, everything else is pure personal gratification an therefore best done without an audience...
snow conditions     
 Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
20. Remove your peeps when in the bar afterwards, and refer to rule 15.
latest report     
 You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
TBH I'm suprised half of this forum isn't in uproar and ranting about #7.


And that (#) isn't a bloody hashtag!
snow conditions     
 Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
homers double wrote:
TBH I'm suprised half of this forum isn't in uproar and ranting about #7.


And that (#) isn't a bloody hashtag!


If I wanted uproar, then I'd add...


rule 23: wear a helmet


Wink
ski holidays     
 You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
Rule 24: Days off, You are here to sample the delights of sliding down the mountains, not have a spa day, do some shopping or other non snowsport pursuit. If you want a spa or shopping holiday then go on a spa or shopping holiday. Also refer to Rule 5

Rule 25: Lifts open and close for a reason, it is your duty to ensure you arrive as near to lift opening as possible and not return home until at least one lift has officially closed (not due to mechanical failure). For clarification see Rule 5.
snow conditions     
 Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Think rule 22 could use a link to the Gaper Spirit Animal on TGR?
snow report     
 After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
Richard_Sideways, Well remembered.. GSA link has been added Smile
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 You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
Rule 26: you must find an Apres environment that allows you bragging rights in terms of cost, either the cheapest or most expensive, never the average.
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 Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ski the Net with snowHeads
Rule 26: when you go to any on-slope bar/restaurant, leave your skis somewhere sensible. If you are unable to do this, self-ban yourself from all said locations.
latest report     
 snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
Rule 26a: When leaving skis or boards, remember you are not attempting to recreate the Domino Toppling world record, please place your skis or boards in a manner that is not going to result in a large row of skis and boards crashing to the ground.
latest report     
 And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
Rule 27: Chairlifts are to be used for getting you up the mountain. If you want to go on a swing, go to a park with the other children.
snow report     
 So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
That Gaper thing is really funny. Got to get one of those stickers
ski holidays     
 You know it makes sense.
You know it makes sense.
28. The run-off from the top of a chair-lift is designed to allow you to leave the area. It is not designed as a chatting/kit and boot faffing zone.
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 Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Rule 28a - Snowboarders this means YOU
ski holidays     
 Poster: A snowHead
Poster: A snowHead
Rule 29 - at a deserted lift if you make a last second charge to get on the same chair as me and family (despite the fact there is no bogger else there), I reserve the right to allow a child to be sick on you
latest report     
 Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Rule 30 - If a woman asks a man to carry her skis, she owes him a whoopee!.
latest report     
 Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Rule 30a - unless woman is your wife in which case it's expected no rewards wink
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 You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
I've added those, but reworded them slightly to make them more fitting with the spirit of the rules.
snow conditions     
 Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Rule 31 - extra hard points are awarded for sking off-piste on piste skis or skiing with any sort of style on piste with elongated snowboards on your feet
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 You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
Hmm I can see a measurement of 'cool' in SnowHead points Smile
snow report     
 Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
feef,

or should I call you Bruce

Everybody knows there is no rule number 6 wink

And don't mention rules 1, 3, 5 & 7 or you will upset jb1970 Laughing
snow conditions     
 After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
musher, I'm afraid the Bruce reference is lost on me Puzzled
ski holidays     
 You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
feef, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bruces_sketch
ski holidays     
 Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ahhhh.... Smile
snow conditions     
 snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
feef, Blizzard
ski holidays     
 And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
Like my new skis
ski holidays     
 So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
musher wrote:

And don't mention rules 1, 3, 5 & 7 or you will upset jb1970 Laughing


I see rule 5 could be recursive Wink
snow conditions     
 You know it makes sense.
You know it makes sense.
33. Ruroc helmet/goggles combinations are only permitted on piste during fancy dress days when full stormtrooper ensemble shall be worn with white ski boots
snow report     
 Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
There needs to be a modifier to rule 8 if the look you are affecting under rule 4 is say the stinky telehippy or the core duct-tape dude.


How about these rules:

Bases are for scraping up and edges are for bashing. Never show anything less than casual pride in damage dealt to your skis. If you are not racing, hotboxing and excessive attention to sharpening and angles are the same as a man purchasing exfoliant. Wax is permitted but no more than once every 7 skiing days. If in doubt see rule 5.

Lessons are verboten. The correct term is clinic or skiing with your coach.

Warranty claims beginning with "I was just skiing along...." are the mark of the fraud and scoundrel. If you are going to break anything ensure it was at least done as a result of being rad or in conjunction with rule 15.
snow conditions     
 Poster: A snowHead
Poster: A snowHead
Megamum, I think that's covered by rules 4 and 22
ski holidays     
 Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
34a: One-piece ski suits may only be worn ironically
34b: excessivly baggy skiwear may only be worn if under the age of 16
34c: skintight race suits may only be worn by the portly
34d: fur may only be worn Если вы находитесь России
snow conditions     
 Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Richard_Sideways, I think we could start a whole new thread on style, but I still think those all come under rule 4 and 22
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 You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
Rule 35: If sat outside bar and the sun goes in, you must always be the last to put jacket on or suggest going inside. Otherwise . . . rule 5 applies. Again.
ski holidays     
 Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Rule 36: Peer pressure applies at all times. If one of you skis it, then all other membes of the group are obliged to. Death before dishonour.
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 You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
All telemark skiing must be performed wearing appropriate catagory 3 (EU rated 7.f. ) facial hair.
snow report     
 Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
feef, I think that 34a should be included for clarity, and that the proposed 34d (perheps renamed double-d for the ladies in question) should be allowed to stand... pertly... in heels... near Courchevel.
snow conditions     
 After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
34e: male seasonnaires under 22 have to have trousers with a crotch near their knees and a waistband not much higher. Comedy boxers virtually de rigeur. Cool, no ?
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 You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
I still think it all comes under Rule 4. Dress appropriately for your skiing and/or image.

It can be too detailed.. Brits are great at looking for details and clarification.. the rules should impart the spirit, and spirit alone.
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 Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ski the Net with snowHeads
..and while we're at it:

http://unofficialnetworks.com/gnar/
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