 Poster: A snowHead
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Flight UA 8231 Munich-Chicago
Class : Untermensch
Depart : 10.30
Arrival : 10 hours later
08.45: arrive FJS. Park car. Note parking space. Seasoned traveler. Been here before. Spent a good couple of hours looking for the car before as well. ALWAYS take note of the parking space number.
08.55: get to United Airlines ticket counter. Discover long queue. Sh*t. Look longingly at the Business class queue. Nobody there, and fifty fat Americans in front of me flying untermensch. For the first time today I feel like weeping, but the company has new rules about flying business and we have to respect that.
09.05: 'Hi, aaah Mr.Lawrie which flight did you say you were on?' 'UA 8231' 'Hmm. I don't have you on my lists anywhere'. 'Well here on my travel itinerary it say UA 8231 Munich-Chicago, this is the UA desk right?'. 'Yeees, but could I just take a look at that itinerary please?, Aaaah ( worry turns to condescension ) yes. That's a Star Aliance cooperative flight with Lufthansa. You'll have to go and check in at the Lufthansa desk. Smile'. 'But it says UA 8231 on this thing here, why can't I just check in here... '. 'Yes sir but if you look down here it says 'Operated by Lufthansa'. Now if you would be so good as to move along'
Grind teeth to no avail. Go and stand in queue of German untermenschen. This is a bad start to a bad day.
09.50: at the security check. I need coffee. Things are looking OK though cos the security guards act hungover and no potential terrorists in the queue. Things move swiftly along. The undoubtedly business class lady in front of me decides that European rules don't apply, and has a handbag full of mascara, face peel, body lotion, face cream, body cream, shampoo, nail varnish remover and a bottle of oxygenated water. She acts indignant at the fact that her handbag and herself are being given a closer inspection. She protests and quotes names of important people she's connected with. The security guys look impressed and let the handbag go through the X-Ray once more. Slowly. I watch and know that I'm not going to get to that coffee before the plane has to leave.
10:00: get to the departure gate. The sign says 'Delayed'. I look on the bright side and get some coffee.
10:30 the sign still says 'Delayed'. I think : more information would not harm here, and ask at the desk. Engine trouble. Reassured I go for another coffee.
11:00 passengers embark. I get to see my abode for the next ten hours. I'ts the seat right behind the business class compartment. Meaning it has a bulkhead right where I would otherwise be able to stretch my feet. F*ck. Oh well, gotta look on the bright side at least it's an aisle seat. Hope I don't get a fat b*stard sitting next to me. Chuckle. That would really finish me off.
11:05 An immensely fat Israeli woman sits next to me. The looks she gives me make it clear that in her opinion I owe her something. I feel like explaining that I'm not German and even if I was I wouldn't owe her for something that happened before I was even a dirty thought in my parents heads. Also, I would appreciate it if she would stop overflowing into my space. No point. It's an argument I would only lose.
11:35 everyone seems to have boarded, so why are we not leaving?
11:45 the captain speaks: 'Sorry for the slight delay Ladies and Gentlemen, we seem to have lost four passengers whose baggage is already on board. Unfortunately their bags are in four differnt containers so we are going to have to unload all four containers and remove their baggage. This procedure shouldn't take more than 30 minutes and then we will be on our way. We will try to make up any lost time and hope to get you to Chicago on time'
11:46 I feel like weeping
12:15 the captain speaks: 'Right well we've offloaded the offending luggage and we will be rolling back and be right on our way in just a couple of minutes.
12:40 amazingly the captain's word is good. We thunder down the runway and lift off.
13:30 'Mr. Lawrie?'. 'Yes'. 'You ordered a vegan meal sir?'. 'No'. 'But it says here that you ordered a vegan meal sir'. 'Well I didn't, I want an ordinary meal'. 'I'll see what I can do sir'.
13:35 'Mr. Lawrie?' 'Yes'. 'Unfortunately we don't have any spare ordinary meals sir...'
13:40 I tuck into an undefinable mush of overcooked vegetables with rice. Good job there are no milk products in this I think to myself. The guys right in front of me in business are getting stuck into the third round of Chardonnay. I'm not jealous though. I'm starting to get comfortable with my vegan meal, a glass of water in my hand and a Jewish shadow of doom overflowing into my seat from the left. No problems. None at all.
14:00 what do I have to do to get a glass of water around here?
15:00 the fat lady next to me is starting to snore. I'm hoping she didn't eat any beans during the last couple of days.
15:10 Ok, lets see what's on the video. The video screen is above my head and slightly to the right, so I have to exercise my neck muscles to watch it. The headphones have a bad contact, so I can only hear in the left ear. Somehow this lopsidedness makes me feel queasy. The film is about a fourteen year old girl who would rather stay on the ranch with her horse. Daddy thinks this is not the best thing for her. The horse saves her life, and almost gets eaten by a cougar. Daddy saves the horse. All is well. Turns out the fourteen year old is in fact twenty six when not acting. She's lead a healthy life.
17:00 I try to read my book. Everyone has closed the blinds and is trying to get some sleep. Why? It's only five o'clock for God's sake. I turn on my light, which causes the fat lady to stir and eye me malevolently.
17:30 I think she had beans.
...
22:00 I'm getting a good look at lake Michigan. It's really amazing how big this lake is. You can fly around in circles over it for hours and never see the shoreline. I'm told that the great lakes were formed at the end of some ice age when a giant lake of water formed behind a wall of ice. The wall of ice burst and emptied the lake into the Atlantic. The floods were so violent that they carved out the land and formed the great lakes, and to top it all off the Gulf Stream stopped and we had a small ice age in Europe. How do they figure this stuff out?
23:00 I'm starting to get a bit tired now. Just in time to come in and land at O'Hare. Better fill out the American customs forms
Have I ever been a terrorist? Hmm. Well yes, but I gave up on that some time ago. I'll just say no. They won't notice.
Have I ever abducted any american children against the will of their parents? Of course I have, but I'm not going to admit to that.
Have I ever been convicted of a crime of moral terpitude? Don't think so. Although I was once done for making my water in public. Should I mention that?
Have I recently been on a farm? No but I did tread in some dog poo recently...
24:00 Finally. I'm through customs and out into the land of the brave and the free. When I left Munich it was +10C. Here in Chicago they just had a big snow storm, and it's -15C. Shock.
I wait in line for a taxi. There aren't any!
24:15 A taxi. I tell him to take me to the Hyatt in Schaumburg. Without hesitation he tells „that'l be time and a half' „. Why, oh never mind just get me to my hotel...
24:45 Schaumburg. The hotel is in the middle of, well, nowhere. I have to try and stay awake for the next four hours or I'm going to be awake all night. It's -15C outside and I forgot my hat and gloves. I sit in the lobby and pour coffee down my throat. I notice that the lobby is immense and seems to have a corrugated iron roof. I would have thought that in a place like Chicago one would have put some thought into insulating buildings... I drift away, wake up, drift away, wake up.
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Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
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Looks like you also have 25 hour days. In the UK our days only go up to 23:59 and some change!
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Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
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You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
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Mike Lawrie, An excellent scribe. I love reading personal rants like that 
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Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
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Great story. It's not just me that lives in dread of the fat baskets the haunt ay flight I'm on.
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You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
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hyweljenkins, sorry. Didn't mean to confuse you. I'll stick to imperial measures in future.
Sage, The journey back wasn't much better. At least it was from Newark, so only 8 hours of misery. To compensate for that it was in a Lufthansa 747, which they seem to have done some space optimisation on. I'm not fat, but I could hardly sit with my arms beside me. Plus it was a middle seat this time and I had a fat American beside me who took possesion of the entire armrest. This time the headphones didn't work at all. On the upside I didn't get a vegan meal, and I did manage to find my car on the first pass.
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666, At lesast neither flight we have shared was full 
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We flew back from Vancouver a couple of years ago. I was in the middle seat, and my hubby and another guy either side. We were squashed, and I had no room for my poor little arms. None of us came into the obese category.
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You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
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Helen Beaumont, We flew to Orlando years ago with another couple. The other couple had the only empty seat on the Monarch flight next to them and they whinged all the way there. She is 5ft 2in and skinny. I did not whinge but suspect thi was coz i didnt have room to breathe in.
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Helen Beaumont, yup. I did Vancouver->Frankfurt once. Once was nearly enough to kill me. I really hate to think what flying in the new Airbus A380 with 799 other miserables will be like. Gives me the shudders just to think of it. When are they going to build that transatlantic hypersonic vacuum tube train? Bring it on is all I can say. I woud not shed any tears to see the end of air travel once and for all!
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snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
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good news is 2hrs west is skiing!!
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And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
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Mike Lawrie, Sounds like the time I flew to the States on business for a stay of a couple of months, the firm had given me an open return ticket and no address to stay at as the apartment would be allocated upon arrival... immigration did not appeciate these arrangements. At least I had got upgraded to first class on the flight so was half drunk when arguing with them.
My next trip was pleasure - I had to return via Canada on the good old Greyhound, the two seatmates were a woman of at least 25 stone and a totally mental ex con who was killing his landlord with thought waves.
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RoboGeek, next time I'll try to fit that into my schedule. But don't get me started on the subject of flying intra U.S of A. Grrr.
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You know it makes sense.
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I'm meant to be working and it is very difficult to convinve my staff that I actually am doing something serious and urgent when reading this!! V funny and cheered me up from my Monday morning gloom. (Only 5 days before I go to Chamonix though!)
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Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
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Frosty the Snowman, I think of you as a big bloke, carrying a few pounds. The people I live in fear of are ones who can only just get in to their seat (after they've asked if you mind having the arm rest up - damn right, I'm not falling for that) and then their sides all sort of wobble over and invade your space.
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Poster: A snowHead
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Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
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Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
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jtr,
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my mate did the same walk a few days later and was picked up by the police for acting suspiciously i.e. walking.
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I've been there as well. In New York I ended up in a hotel which had no pedestrian access at all! I tried walking from there to somewhere more interesting and had the police stop and ask if everything was ok ( with my head I suppose ). This was about two weeks after 9/11 so maybe they were worried about terrorists on foot.
In Dallas me and my colleagues tried counting the number of people on foot or on a bike between the hotel and our place of work. Most days we ended up with 0 and 0! That pretty much sums up Dallas for me.
I don't know where Schaumburg starts or ends. Just seems to go on for ever and all looks the same to me. I won't be booking any holidays there I don't think.
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You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
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I had a similar experience on the outskirts of Atlanta. To get to a shopping mall 100 yards from the hotel involved crossing a 4-lane highway and scrambling up and down embankments.
It's not just the US though - in the centre of Dubai, I had to get a taxi from my hotel to the one right across the street.
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Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
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Pretty much sums the difficulty in walking in the US and it is not just in big towns and cities. I was staying in a small town in Vermont but the hotel was about a mile outside the centre. When I asked the owner for directions for walking into town he said he would arrange a taxi as no one walks - I had to be pretty insistant just to get directions and he left me in no doubt that he thought I was stark raving bonkers 
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