 Poster: A snowHead
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"Eagle calling Bluebird. Eagle calling Bluebird."
"Bluebird receiving. Over."
And so it began. A foray into the unknown. Deep cover. We had our assignment - received using anonymous e-mail addresses, we had anonymous pay as you go phones. And transceivers. And a bit of a cold. Time to step out from behind the keyboard, the safety of the office, and go operational.
We arrived to an onslaught of Land Rovers. The lights were bright, as if their owners did not understand how to dip their headlights. But this was no mistake. This must have been a show of power. Our RV was 8pm. We were bang on time. It simply wouldn't do to be early for the drop, we might have been spotted. We soon discovered that the fleet of 4x4s and unrestrained children used as human shields to impede our progress through the car park was the race club leaving the slope from their earlier session. Someone should tell the parents and their sodding kids to look where they are going and be a bit less aggressive as they leave the car park - it was like a Le Mans start with several near misses.
Our disguise was good, but not perfect. We had our proper posh ski gear on, but it was not 2013/14 season. Last minute we noticed *audible gasp* a Snowheads sticker on our gear. If caught, we could not deny our affiliation. We would be interrogated by Delia and Tarquin, and they take no prisoners.
Their smiles and open, friendly approach must have been a trap. We were blown. We must have been blown. How could we be discovered! We had been so careful! This was not what we were expecting, this was not in the brief. But soon it was clear, we were under the radar, they welcomed us in. They shared their secrets.
The first challenge in the induction was to be skinning up a hill. One Mr Graham MacMahon (you'd better believe it! The very same name!) was in charge. He led the group, we were equipped with some skis, skins fitted, and pointed up the hill. Never before has Hemel been scaled in this manner. Well, not by me anyhow. Now we discovered why SCGB members have got so much chuffing money - they don't use lift passes. Soon we were walking (yes, me, walking) up the sodding ski slope. Tips were given from M (codename for Graham) on how to ascend. How to lift up the little tab thingy on the bindings to make it easier. How to fall over a bit trying to turn around on steeper terrain. And then we got to the top, and removed our skins.
So far from home we were exposed. At the top of the slope there was nowhere to hide. Mount Hemel had never looked so remote. And then, out of nowhere, it was time to make our escape. The skins were ripped off, at one stage I was fairly confident that I was going to stick my own hands together and be left by Bluebird to suffer at the hands of our captors, but no. They went back in the bag eventually.
Down to base camp and we were closer to safety. We had to avoid complacency. They outnumbered us 25 to 1 at least. If this turned nasty, we could be tied down with Wisteria's riding gear and have traditional public school punishments unleashed upon us - the chinese burns, the cold bath with a prefect, anything was possible to get us to talk. Still safe, we moved to our second RV, codenamed "Beephole".
At Beephole there were different faces. Like insurgents exploring an abandoned airport, we were confused as to why nobody had stopped us. Surely they had recognised us as being state educated. Surely they could see that we did not own a pile in the country. But still we were unchallenged. We had to fight to keep our accents, and the codenames were starting to raise suspicion, partly because I kept forgetting mine.
Transceiver practice was interesting. They described an orderly search, using teams of people, following the clues and using expensive technology to search out what they were looking for. I thought we were blown. They were talking about us. They turned on their mystical devices and the little red arrow pointed right at us. BEEEEEEEP!!! BEEEEEEEEEEP!!! BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!!!!
In silence, I waited for the moment to come, but it never came. The group did not turn on us. They were interested, calm, following the leader, and he made no move. We were still safe. We were told to go and hunt for a missing member. We turned on our transceivers and searched. Soon we had found him, codename Geoffrey. We frantically dug, he was soon freed, despite his snowy camouflage. Next it was on to the next member, codename Tabatha. Soon she was located, dug out with our gloves that we got cheap in Sports Direct. The details could compromise us. But we were in. We were one of them. They had accepted us as one of their own. And we now knew how transceivers worked. Their secret tools revealed.
Soon questions came thick and fast. "Where are you going on holiday next?" and "Have you got much planned for this season already?" - it all seemed so friendly, but they wanted details. They wanted to know our travel plans. They wanted to know who we knew. So much to lose, we had to make our escape before the details let us down. We had been briefed but we weren't ready for this. Eagle made the call using our special secret safe word: Lampshade. Lampshade. Lampshaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaade!!!!!!!!
Out of the building we were soon into our getaway vehicle, and on our way home, to safety. We had gathered intelligence. We had completed our first operational mission. It was done. The SCGB had been infiltrated. Names, places and events have been changed to protect the innocent.
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Informal debrief back at base camp: Our first foray into the SCGB (other than sharing a lift in Tignes with two largely obnoxious members braying about hedge funds and the ineptitude of a member of their own group) was a positive one. They were friendly, dramatically younger than expected (whether this is intentional or not I don't know, but everybody there visibly working for them seemed to be about 30 years old) and were all very friendly and nice.
We can all be a bit argumentative on the internet, and the written word is easily misunderstood. it is easy to believe that there is some war between the SCGB and SH. But there really isn't, well not that I've seen from SH end of things. Face to face, skiiers are on the whole a very nice bunch of people. Same for the SCGB. They are not some evil overlord. The culture is a bit different - a bit more, erm, hierarchical perhaps? Two or three people in charge, lots of other people following instructions and asking them for help etc. Our experience of SH is a bit different, everyone mucks along together, and the group tends to sort it out amongst themselves, which we personally quite like.
So, having now had our SCGB virginity taken from us, like teenagers experimenting in the bedroom, would we go back? Probably, if they were running an interesting event like this again. The opportunity to try out a range of touring gear (courtesy of Salomon) that we'd never done before, with some instruction included, and to have a transceiver practice session was well worth it. An interesting way to spend a Monday night.
Would I go on holiday with these people? Well, not just yet thanks. Will I stop going to Snowheads events, and start posting on their forum instead? Of course not. But you don't have to choose sides. I do, however, think they need to do an awful lot of work to make their online presence somehow resemble what we saw last night.
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Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
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Jesus christ, I'm never going to get those three minutes back am I?
TLDR:- Keyboard warrior cowd00.
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Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
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You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
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Mistress Panda, Excellent post. I get it.
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Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
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Very good. Presumably Goldsmith will be arranging for burly men to stick a sack on your head and bundle you into a Transit as we speak, so he can fully stress test whether you've been turned and/or your "intel" is a crass attempt to manipulate us.
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You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
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| homers double wrote: |
Jesus christ, I'm never going to get those three minutes back am I?
TLDR:- Keyboard warrior cowd00. |
If you got to the end, and you can still remember the detail, you weren't really there man.
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You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
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Mistress Panda, Good OP - I think with some it's more a case of tms;du than tl;dr 
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Sweet
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snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
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Mistress Panda, excellent. I even got as far as "Tips were given from M (codename for Graham) on how to ascend" before I realised there was some sarcasm involved.
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And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
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harrisonygwningen, we never use sarcasm once we have (to use the utterly inappropriate phrase for a group of middle class white people) "gone black" but now we are safely back behind our keyboard we can reflect on our experience in the way that only those who have been truly behind enemy lines and stared death in the eyes really can.
G, our handler has passed on intel that we may be compromised. Perhaps because I posted it on the sodding internet.
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I can't wait for  Tarquin's response!
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You know it makes sense.
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chocksaway,
I was going to say that shirley he's one of ours ... damn, blown his cover 
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Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
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It's a good job G has such a good sense of humour. FWIW, my first impressions of the SKGB membership were based on 51st State. 
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Poster: A snowHead
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Mistress Panda, many thanks for one of the most enjoyable posts on SH I've read in along time. Shame our paths didn't cross on the night, we were in one of the other groups. Our leader (codename: shep) was fiersomely efficient and had us romping up the hill In double quick time.... or maybe he just wanted to get home. Their bios suggested extremely overqualified for that very low level exercise.
Not bad for a FREE night out....
My wife has just engaged in 2 week brainwashing (or should that be ski washing) international exercise with them. If she returns from that most dangerous of missions I'll report back.
Roger Roger...
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FAQ
