 Poster: A snowHead
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Since the Apres speak was drifting this way...
Beautiful view down the valley = north facing
Our well trained staff = 
Cordon Bleu = the tape used around CSI poisoning cases
Set back from the road = down a path never cleared of snow/up a steep, icy death-trap
Coded door for your security = freezing to death at 2am trying to get in
Pre-booked ski-pack = our staff get their free hire equipment from this shop, which you are helping to pay for
Apres ski, why not browse the local street market = uncovered food exposed to exhaust fumes since 10am
Nouveau cuisine = our chefs get a bonus for coming under budget for the season
Rustic charm = needs modernising
Unspoilt rustic charm = desperately needs modernising
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Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
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Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
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You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
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Ski bus passes right outside = but the stop is a mile down the road.
A few minutes walk from the lifts = or half an hour in ski boots, 1hr when pissed or 90mins with kids.
Perfectly placed to access local nightlife = don't expect to be able to sleep before 2AM or 4AM if chalet hosts are off next day
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Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
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rooms accessed by a spiral staircase= 1 90degree bend & and fire door in your face
comunal lounge area on the first floor leading the the bedrooms = 2 sofas stuffed in a hall way
appartment sleeps 4 = 2 seperate corridors with bunk beds in each
on the outskirts of town=5miles out of town
regular bus service =1 per hour at peak times
ski guiding service=lets try and loose the slowest skiers
all of the above are true from previous experiences....always take the brochure with you, it is great to illustrate your point and to prove the description given is not acurate, and if all else fails for beating the resort manager to a pulp 
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You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
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hot tub on the balcony = well you never asked if it needed to work...
seating for 18 = but only 8 on comfortable chairs, the rest on hard back chairs that you eat your dinner on.
experienced chalet staff = pimply 18 year-olds that were more interested in 'the craic' then cooking and cleaning.
Vibrant evening menu = portions so small you'd go for a pizza after 'dinner' (crime of all crimes in chalets, to not have seconds available)
Excellent Tuition Available = ESF 
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I resemble some of those statements. I mean resent. What trot. You get what you pay for eh?
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You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
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Secluded location = It will take you all day to reach the slopes.
This chalet is very popular with our clients = It's cheap and it's going to be trashed.
Easy blue back into the village = Busy, narrow, icy run with a broken snow cannon.
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Popular with families = enjoy a week's dodging ankle-biters on the slopes & in restaurants. You won't sleep for the screaming babies!
A paradise for the expert boarder = entertainment for the masses provided by regular visits from the rescue helicopter service, extricating the kamikaze-kids from the results of over-confidence.
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snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
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Ski almost to the door = of the ski bus
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And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
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Nanny service available = Ski bum's girlfriend earning a few euro's
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Good skiers can ski to the door = provided they are happy to drop off a cliff into the tall bushes in the back garden
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You know it makes sense.
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Resort X is not ideal for beginners but there is a good nursery slope in the village = but it's at 850m, rarely has much snow on it, and after that you'll be on steep icy reds
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Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
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Local cuisine is a speciality - You won't want to look at cheese for six months after returning.
Vegetarians catered for - by picking the ham out of the tartiflette
Daring modern architecture - if you like Sauron's Dark Tower and substations
Enjoy the early snow on quiet slopes - bust your board before the season's even started.
The complex has its own outdoor spa and fitness suite where you can relax after a day on the slopes - Tepid, lecher-infested vat of lethal bacteria soup sits beside an old exercise bike.
Last edited by Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name: on Thu 11-10-07 11:11; edited 3 times in total
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Poster: A snowHead
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A resort truly designed with skiers in mind
Ugly as sin with no nightlife
Undiscovered Gem
Dodgy snow record and old lifts
One of our most popular resorts
Overpriced and crowded
For the discerning skier
second mortgage required
A real traditional atmosphere
Lifts are seriously old and always breaking down
Fabulous snow record
Bleak
Excellent coverage with snow cannons
Really bad snow record
Experts will enjoy the challenging runs
There is more than one red
Fabulous for intermediates
There is one red
Well suited to beginners
There is less than one red.
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Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
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I feel like I have opened a post on Cynicism.com  - have any of you ever have good ski holiday experiences that have been as advertised??? I'd like to think that anyone coming on one of our holidays could happily bring the brochure with them....
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Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
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katski,
My comments were intended to be somewhat lighthearted. Being more serious I do find it pays to read what has been left out of a description as much as what is put in. I think many tour operators provide reasonable value for money holidays particularly outside peak season. At peak times which due to school holidays is when I tend to travel I find I get far better value DIY, I don't have a brochure to make fun of though 
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You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
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Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
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All sounds about right to me and from experience leads to just one question: why would anyone with access to the internet use a tour operator?
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You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
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| levart wrote: |
| All sounds about right to me and from experience leads to just one question: why would anyone with access to the internet use a tour operator? |
Laziness, charter flights, all in one packages, proven quality childcare  C
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Turkish bath / whirlpool / sauna etc = Prepare for German nudity
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You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
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Popular with British visitors = Chav city
Expert ski tuning available = Our maintenance guy's got an angle grinder and belt sander and a few candles.
Snowsure = Look we have to put this against all our resorts or we won't get any early season bookings
Snow guarantee = We'll bus to you 50 miles to share the one single ribbon of death open in the area with 10000 other suckers to avoid paying out on this one.
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Multiple lines = LDA
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snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
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And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
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You know it makes sense.
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Snow sure North facing slopes = Bloody cold
Beautiful South facing slopes = Slush city
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Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
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| NewSkier wrote: |
Oh yes... one thing that I always wonder about - why give the distance to lift/beach/bars whatever in metres rather than miles or km? 800m is half a mile or thereabouts and means far more to me! When I see in summer ones, that the beach is "only 1500m" away..........  |
Cause imperial is a daft measuring system and is seen as backwards in other EU countries.
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Poster: A snowHead
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| Timmaah wrote: |
| NewSkier wrote: |
Oh yes... one thing that I always wonder about - why give the distance to lift/beach/bars whatever in metres rather than miles or km? 800m is half a mile or thereabouts and means far more to me! When I see in summer ones, that the beach is "only 1500m" away.......... |
Cause imperial is a daft measuring system and is seen as backwards in other EU countries. |
Ok so the use of miles maybe is seen that way - but why use metres not Km? Do they assume "only 1500m" is going to sound less far to the braying masses than "1.5Km" does?
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Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
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Another 'from experience'
An unloading bay is located 50m from the chalet......................Those metres are near vertical and you will need every conceivable bit of climbing kit to stand a chance!
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Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
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You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
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| NewSkier wrote: |
| .....Oh yes... one thing that I always wonder about - why give the distance to lift/beach/bars whatever in metres rather than miles or km? 800m is half a mile or thereabouts and means far more to me! When I see in summer ones, that the beach is "only 1500m" away.......... |
Good grief. 12 " = 1 ft. 3ft = 1yard. 1760 yards = 1 mile. We'll forget about chains - and rods poles, and perches.
I remember fighting with that in school - I would have though the modern generation would be glad to be rid of it - I know I am at work. Or play, come to that. The OS grid has long been metric.
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Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
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| achilles wrote: |
| The OS grid has long been metric. |
BLASPHEMY!
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You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
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I work in nautical miles - they're not even bloody constant! Plus it gets confusing as Yanks still go on about fathoms...
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From the Crystal Holiday catalogue
Cabin room = box cupboard under the stairs
Restricted headroom = Even Quasimodo complained about the low ceilings
Afternoon tea = chalet staff leave rock cakes and thermos out in the morning
Charming = odd - as in Charming local restaurant: timber framed burger bar
Quaint = quite frankly even we found this place bizarre: Quaint local restaurant - owner is completely barking mad and food is awful
Glacier skiing = icy, cold and no viz.
Tree lined skiing = narrow runs down flattish paths
Fast modern lift system = One high speed quad and lots of queues
Room allocated arrival = we don't have any accomodation but are sure our rep will sort you out with something
90 minutes from airport to resort = that's from leaving the airport to arriving at the motorway turnoff for the resort
May involve coach change at Moutiers = You'll spend the best part of the transfer day in a freezing car-park in the Alps
value for money = full of drunken chav's
traditional = out of date
culture = odd machine gun wielding locals with beards
high altitude skiing = no snow at breathable levels
unspoilt wilderness = risk of bear attack if you go off piste
close to the Arctic Circle = no sunlight during the ski season
high altitude resorts = desolate ski villages where you will spend the week in oxygen debt
widest choice = eclectic
our ski programme is currently suspended due to the political situation - more dodgy men with machine guns and beards
unknown = dodgy with outdated lift system and poor service
nicknamed 'L'Ile au Soleil' = slush and sunburn
bold, modern architecture = Bykergrove sur neige
spa town = dated victorian hotels with dodgy plumbing and water that tastes of sulphur
cosmopolitan town centre = lots of Swedish ski bums
Built originally for the Winter Olympics = resort resting on its past glory
modern design with an efficient lift network = concrete block house architecture and lots of drag lifts
Linked to = complicated and expensive procedure for reaching another ski area and then getting stuck when the links close and taking a 200km taxi ride back
set high on the XXX Pass = windy with crusty snow
set in the heart of a pine forest = low altitude skiing with a narrow track to return to resort
inspiring = piste plan hard to read
good value foothold = satellite resort that will take for ever to reach the main slopes
ideal place from which to explore = you'll have to ski elsewhere
large ski areas = bland
uncrowded = unpopular
world's premier ski resort = Russian oligarchs and eastern european call girls
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| davidof wrote: |
| world's premier ski resort = Russian oligarchs and eastern european call girls |
Wherever that resort is, it sounds wicked
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You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
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FAQ
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