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Brochure speak made easy

 Poster: A snowHead
Poster: A snowHead
Since the Apres speak was drifting this way...


Beautiful view down the valley = north facing

Our well trained staff = Laughing

Cordon Bleu = the tape used around CSI poisoning cases

Set back from the road = down a path never cleared of snow/up a steep, icy death-trap

Coded door for your security = freezing to death at 2am trying to get in

Pre-booked ski-pack = our staff get their free hire equipment from this shop, which you are helping to pay for

Apres ski, why not browse the local street market = uncovered food exposed to exhaust fumes since 10am

Nouveau cuisine = our chefs get a bonus for coming under budget for the season

Rustic charm = needs modernising

Unspoilt rustic charm = desperately needs modernising
ski holidays
 Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
We came back fron skiing this year and looked into buying. Our heart was set on Montchavin in La Plagne. We looked around and Chalet D'Anaite was for sale with apartments. The front of the sale brochure had the following image Shocked I think in the great snows of 1812 Montchavin may have seen conditions like this. It was advertising ski in/ski out Shocked The exact location of the place is in just inside the car park on the left as you leave the village heading up to Les Coches. Laughing Laughing Laughing Laughing
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 Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
gwaelod, Laughing Laughing Laughing
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 You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
Ski bus passes right outside = but the stop is a mile down the road.

A few minutes walk from the lifts = or half an hour in ski boots, 1hr when pissed or 90mins with kids.

Perfectly placed to access local nightlife = don't expect to be able to sleep before 2AM or 4AM if chalet hosts are off next day
ski holidays
 Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
rooms accessed by a spiral staircase= 1 90degree bend & and fire door in your face
comunal lounge area on the first floor leading the the bedrooms = 2 sofas stuffed in a hall way
appartment sleeps 4 = 2 seperate corridors with bunk beds in each
on the outskirts of town=5miles out of town
regular bus service =1 per hour at peak times
ski guiding service=lets try and loose the slowest skiers

all of the above are true from previous experiences....always take the brochure with you, it is great to illustrate your point and to prove the description given is not acurate, and if all else fails for beating the resort manager to a pulp Toofy Grin
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 You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
CEM,
Quote:

on the outskirts of town=5miles out of town
regular bus service =1 per hour at peak times


Was that Tignes Toofy Grin wink
ski holidays
 Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
hot tub on the balcony = well you never asked if it needed to work...

seating for 18 = but only 8 on comfortable chairs, the rest on hard back chairs that you eat your dinner on.

experienced chalet staff = pimply 18 year-olds that were more interested in 'the craic' then cooking and cleaning.

Vibrant evening menu = portions so small you'd go for a pizza after 'dinner' (crime of all crimes in chalets, to not have seconds available)

Excellent Tuition Available = ESF Twisted Evil
ski holidays
 After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
I resemble some of those statements. I mean resent. What trot. You get what you pay for eh?
latest report
 You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
Secluded location = It will take you all day to reach the slopes.
This chalet is very popular with our clients = It's cheap and it's going to be trashed.
Easy blue back into the village = Busy, narrow, icy run with a broken snow cannon.
snow conditions
 Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ski the Net with snowHeads
Popular with families = enjoy a week's dodging ankle-biters on the slopes & in restaurants. You won't sleep for the screaming babies!

A paradise for the expert boarder = entertainment for the masses provided by regular visits from the rescue helicopter service, extricating the kamikaze-kids from the results of over-confidence.
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 snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
Ski almost to the door = of the ski bus
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 And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
Nanny service available = Ski bum's girlfriend earning a few euro's
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 So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
Good skiers can ski to the door = provided they are happy to drop off a cliff into the tall bushes in the back garden
snow conditions
 You know it makes sense.
You know it makes sense.
Resort X is not ideal for beginners but there is a good nursery slope in the village = but it's at 850m, rarely has much snow on it, and after that you'll be on steep icy reds
ski holidays
 Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Local cuisine is a speciality - You won't want to look at cheese for six months after returning.

Vegetarians catered for - by picking the ham out of the tartiflette

Daring modern architecture - if you like Sauron's Dark Tower and substations

Enjoy the early snow on quiet slopes - bust your board before the season's even started.

The complex has its own outdoor spa and fitness suite where you can relax after a day on the slopes - Tepid, lecher-infested vat of lethal bacteria soup sits beside an old exercise bike.


Last edited by Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name: on Thu 11-10-07 10:11; edited 3 times in total
ski holidays
 Poster: A snowHead
Poster: A snowHead
A resort truly designed with skiers in mind

Ugly as sin with no nightlife

Undiscovered Gem
Dodgy snow record and old lifts

One of our most popular resorts
Overpriced and crowded

For the discerning skier
second mortgage required

A real traditional atmosphere
Lifts are seriously old and always breaking down

Fabulous snow record
Bleak

Excellent coverage with snow cannons
Really bad snow record

Experts will enjoy the challenging runs
There is more than one red

Fabulous for intermediates
There is one red

Well suited to beginners
There is less than one red.
latest report
 Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
I feel like I have opened a post on Cynicism.com Shocked - have any of you ever have good ski holiday experiences that have been as advertised??? I'd like to think that anyone coming on one of our holidays could happily bring the brochure with them....
ski holidays
 Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
katski,
My comments were intended to be somewhat lighthearted. Being more serious I do find it pays to read what has been left out of a description as much as what is put in. I think many tour operators provide reasonable value for money holidays particularly outside peak season. At peak times which due to school holidays is when I tend to travel I find I get far better value DIY, I don't have a brochure to make fun of though wink
ski holidays
 You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
katski, that's what I was saying in the other thread! Shocked I've already started going through our copy and making sure I have pics and distances for as much as possible. Yours looks lovely though Smile.

I've had all of the ones I posted, as well as the cliff drop ski-in / ski-out, the beds in the corridor, and more Laughing it's all in fun though, never had a bad time on holiday yet!
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 Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
All sounds about right to me and from experience leads to just one question: why would anyone with access to the internet use a tour operator?
snow conditions
 You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
levart wrote:
All sounds about right to me and from experience leads to just one question: why would anyone with access to the internet use a tour operator?


Laziness, charter flights, all in one packages, proven quality childcare Puzzled C
snow conditions
 Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
katski wrote:
I feel like I have opened a post on Cynicism.com Shocked - have any of you ever have good ski holiday experiences that have been as advertised??? I'd like to think that anyone coming on one of our holidays could happily bring the brochure with them....


Yes With you snowHead

Had some cr*p ones elsewhere though rolling eyes
latest report
 After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
Turkish bath / whirlpool / sauna etc = Prepare for German nudity
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 You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
Popular with British visitors = Chav city
Expert ski tuning available = Our maintenance guy's got an angle grinder and belt sander and a few candles.
Snowsure = Look we have to put this against all our resorts or we won't get any early season bookings
Snow guarantee = We'll bus to you 50 miles to share the one single ribbon of death open in the area with 10000 other suckers to avoid paying out on this one.
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 Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ski the Net with snowHeads
Multiple lines = LDA
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 snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
katski wrote:
I feel like I have opened a post on Cynicism.com Shocked - have any of you ever have good ski holiday experiences that have been as advertised??? I'd like to think that anyone coming on one of our holidays could happily bring the brochure with them....


Actually, to be fair I think tour op brochures, summer & winter, have improved over the years - mostly what they say is correct and there is more information given than there used to be, especially concerning location. However they still take photos from the best possible place with a wide angle lens on the best possible day and you do have to think about what they do NOT say. If a chalet's proximity to lifts or bus stops isn't even mentioned for example...?

Oh yes... one thing that I always wonder about - why give the distance to lift/beach/bars whatever in metres rather than miles or km? 800m is half a mile or thereabouts and means far more to me! When I see in summer ones, that the beach is "only 1500m" away.......... rolling eyes
ski holidays
 And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
levart wrote:
All sounds about right to me and from experience leads to just one question: why would anyone with access to the internet use a tour operator?


Bargain prices Very Happy Very Happy
snow conditions
 So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
Bones wrote:
levart wrote:
All sounds about right to me and from experience leads to just one question: why would anyone with access to the internet use a tour operator?


Bargain prices Very Happy Very Happy


Well thats where the main tour ops have an advantage over the independants as they can heavily discount just to fill the flights-i've almost always used tour ops entirely down to cost-it means i can get away 2 or 3 times a season instead of the once,the pay off i suppose is you lose some of the personal touch.
ski holidays
 You know it makes sense.
You know it makes sense.
Snow sure North facing slopes = Bloody cold

Beautiful South facing slopes = Slush city
snow report
 Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
NewSkier wrote:


Oh yes... one thing that I always wonder about - why give the distance to lift/beach/bars whatever in metres rather than miles or km? 800m is half a mile or thereabouts and means far more to me! When I see in summer ones, that the beach is "only 1500m" away.......... rolling eyes


Cause imperial is a daft measuring system and is seen as backwards in other EU countries.
snow conditions
 Poster: A snowHead
Poster: A snowHead
Timmaah wrote:
NewSkier wrote:


Oh yes... one thing that I always wonder about - why give the distance to lift/beach/bars whatever in metres rather than miles or km? 800m is half a mile or thereabouts and means far more to me! When I see in summer ones, that the beach is "only 1500m" away.......... rolling eyes


Cause imperial is a daft measuring system and is seen as backwards in other EU countries.


Ok so the use of miles maybe is seen that way - but why use metres not Km? Do they assume "only 1500m" is going to sound less far to the braying masses than "1.5Km" does?
snow report
 Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Another 'from experience'

An unloading bay is located 50m from the chalet......................Those metres are near vertical and you will need every conceivable bit of climbing kit to stand a chance!
latest report
 Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
NewSkier wrote:
Timmaah wrote:
NewSkier wrote:


Oh yes... one thing that I always wonder about - why give the distance to lift/beach/bars whatever in metres rather than miles or km? 800m is half a mile or thereabouts and means far more to me! When I see in summer ones, that the beach is "only 1500m" away.......... rolling eyes


Cause imperial is a daft measuring system and is seen as backwards in other EU countries.


Ok so the use of miles maybe is seen that way - but why use metres not Km? Do they assume "only 1500m" is going to sound less far to the braying masses than "1.5Km" does?


Hmm, I guess they hope the people misread it as 150m? Very Happy
snow conditions
 You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
NewSkier wrote:
.....Oh yes... one thing that I always wonder about - why give the distance to lift/beach/bars whatever in metres rather than miles or km? 800m is half a mile or thereabouts and means far more to me! When I see in summer ones, that the beach is "only 1500m" away.......... rolling eyes


Good grief. 12 " = 1 ft. 3ft = 1yard. 1760 yards = 1 mile. We'll forget about chains - and rods poles, and perches.

I remember fighting with that in school - I would have though the modern generation would be glad to be rid of it - I know I am at work. Or play, come to that. The OS grid has long been metric.
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 Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
achilles wrote:
The OS grid has long been metric.

Shocked BLASPHEMY!
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 You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
I work in nautical miles - they're not even bloody constant! Shocked Plus it gets confusing as Yanks still go on about fathoms...
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 Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
From the Crystal Holiday catalogue

Cabin room = box cupboard under the stairs
Restricted headroom = Even Quasimodo complained about the low ceilings
Afternoon tea = chalet staff leave rock cakes and thermos out in the morning
Charming = odd - as in Charming local restaurant: timber framed burger bar
Quaint = quite frankly even we found this place bizarre: Quaint local restaurant - owner is completely barking mad and food is awful
Glacier skiing = icy, cold and no viz.
Tree lined skiing = narrow runs down flattish paths
Fast modern lift system = One high speed quad and lots of queues
Room allocated arrival = we don't have any accomodation but are sure our rep will sort you out with something
90 minutes from airport to resort = that's from leaving the airport to arriving at the motorway turnoff for the resort
May involve coach change at Moutiers = You'll spend the best part of the transfer day in a freezing car-park in the Alps
value for money = full of drunken chav's
traditional = out of date
culture = odd machine gun wielding locals with beards
high altitude skiing = no snow at breathable levels
unspoilt wilderness = risk of bear attack if you go off piste
close to the Arctic Circle = no sunlight during the ski season
high altitude resorts = desolate ski villages where you will spend the week in oxygen debt
widest choice = eclectic
our ski programme is currently suspended due to the political situation - more dodgy men with machine guns and beards
unknown = dodgy with outdated lift system and poor service
nicknamed 'L'Ile au Soleil' = slush and sunburn
bold, modern architecture = Bykergrove sur neige
spa town = dated victorian hotels with dodgy plumbing and water that tastes of sulphur
cosmopolitan town centre = lots of Swedish ski bums
Built originally for the Winter Olympics = resort resting on its past glory
modern design with an efficient lift network = concrete block house architecture and lots of drag lifts
Linked to = complicated and expensive procedure for reaching another ski area and then getting stuck when the links close and taking a 200km taxi ride back
set high on the XXX Pass = windy with crusty snow
set in the heart of a pine forest = low altitude skiing with a narrow track to return to resort
inspiring = piste plan hard to read
good value foothold = satellite resort that will take for ever to reach the main slopes
ideal place from which to explore = you'll have to ski elsewhere
large ski areas = bland
uncrowded = unpopular
world's premier ski resort = Russian oligarchs and eastern european call girls
snow conditions
 After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
davidof wrote:
world's premier ski resort = Russian oligarchs and eastern european call girls



Wherever that resort is, it sounds wicked Laughing
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 You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
Whitegold wrote:
davidof wrote:
world's premier ski resort = Russian oligarchs and eastern european call girls



Wherever that resort is, it sounds wicked Laughing


Sounds like Borovets Very Happy
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 Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ski the Net with snowHeads
davidof, TBH couldnt fault Crystal last year, the brochure we booked from mentioned 'services of free local bus service' Unfortunately when we arrived it was outside the free service and had a local payable charge. when mentioned and showed the brochure to Crystal Rep, theyjust coughed up the readies for the two weeks no question Very Happy

But I know what you all mean by the poetic licence taken in the brochures Smile
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