Ski Club 2.0 Home
Snow Reports
FAQFAQ

Mail for help.Help!!

Log in to snowHeads to make it MUCH better! Registration's totally free, of course, and makes snowHeads easier to use and to understand, gives better searching, filtering etc. as well as access to 'members only' forums, discounts and deals that U don't even know exist as a 'guest' user. (btw. 50,000+ snowHeads already know all this, making snowHeads the biggest, most active community of snow-heads in the UK, so you'll be in good company)..... When you register, you get our free weekly(-ish) snow report by email. It's rather good and not made up by tourist offices (or people that love the tourist office and want to marry it either)... We don't share your email address with anyone and we never send out any of those cheesy 'message from our partners' emails either. Anyway, snowHeads really is MUCH better when you're logged in - not least because you get to post your own messages complaining about things that annoy you like perhaps this banner which, incidentally, disappears when you log in :-)
Username:-
 Password:
Remember me:
👁 durr, I forgot...
Or: Register
(to be a proper snow-head, all official-like!)

Skiing with haemorrhoids

 Poster: A snowHead
Poster: A snowHead
Got a bit of a chalfont problem and heading off in two weeks so any advice? Does altitude affect them? Any recommended ointments? A mate has suggested soaking a hessian cloth in concentrated bleach and giving them a good, hard rub. He says it does wonders for his dad's farmers. His dad has locked in syndrome, fully conscious put unable to move or communicated in any way. They know it must work for his dad due to the tears of relief coming from his eyes while they administer the treatment.


Last edited by Poster: A snowHead on Sun 2-02-20 9:52; edited 1 time in total
snow conditions
 Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Proctosedyl is ok.

If they're bad enough to need surgery later... make sure you use a Doctor who is capable of a stapled Hemorrhoidectomy. You want to keep 'em if you can... just put them back where they belong.

https://www.medicinenet.com/stapled_hemorrhoidectomy/article.htm#what_are_hemorrhoids
snow conditions
 Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Wire brush and dettol.
ski holidays
 You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
Gerry wrote:
Got a bit of a chalfont problem and heading off in two weeks so any advice? Does altitude affect them?

They sometimes explode with the differential pressure gradients.
Probably a good idea to wear red salopettes if you're easily embarrassed.
snow conditions
 Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Make sure they are tucked away when riding button lifts. Wouldn't want them to get caught as you disengage.
ski holidays
 You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
Cut a hole in your salopettes in the appropriate area.
Go commando.
Ski switch at high speed in a racing tuck until the wind burn freezes them.
Give Swiss Army knife to very close friend to remove them.
Buy new salopettes.
ski holidays
 Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
You'd probably be better off snowboarding, as the wider stance will give your plymouths a bit more lebensraum.
All that 2 plank, hip-wiggling stuff will be like a work out with the Chaf-o-matic 3000, especially if you get interference from your jacobs when you sit down on chair lifts.
snow report
 After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
halfhand wrote:
Wire brush and dettol.


You make it sound like the dark ages. Things have moved on enormously. These days, it's an attachment for a Dremel and sulphuric acid, followed by a course of leeches.
snow conditions
 You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
Try a protective coating of raclette?
latest report
 Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ski the Net with snowHeads
Riding a button lift is always a faff, but with haemorrhoids, it's a real pain in ar*e!! Shocked Laughing

OK, I'll get my coat!! snowHead
snow report
 snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
The problem skiing with a fully developed rack of Nurembergs is that the cold causes them to suffer what doctors call 'gelida uvae pallium suum'. Experts at the Swiss 'Beerenklinik' Foundation recommend 'on-mountain heating'.

Their preferred method is chemical heating, and specifically the application of environmentally friendly capsaicin oil. Neat Capsaicin oil is expensive and hard to come by, so a cheap and readily available alternative is chilli sauce (the bottled variety, not the stuff that Akmet pours on your kebab!).

For a mild affliction they recommend child strength sauce, such as Choluha, through Nando's Mild, Frank's 'Wing' sauce, Sriracha, and for worst case scenarios Encona Carolina Reaper. (They recommend avoiding McIlhenny's Tobasco because of the unfavourable chilli to vinegar ratio.)

For atmospheric pressure reasons one shouldn't attempt to apply the edible unguent below 1500m, as there is a danger of serious burning at sub-optimal altitudes, therefore, it should be applied ON-PISTE.

Given the potentially embarrassing nature of such, clinicians favour application of the condiment on the DARK side of a particularly large mogul. They also recommend, for reasons of potential slippage, that the process should be a two-man job, thus it is suggested that, having dropped your salopettes one should bend right over, after which a friend, standing to your forward section, should grasp your scrotum TIGHTLY and draw it and it's contents forward FIRMLY (avoiding any unnecessary oscillations) whilst you use your free hands to open the bottle and rub 15ml of the sauce into your dukes (avoid contact with tea), after which they should be wrapped in nonstick thick guage tin foil (shiny side up), at this point your friend may release your testicles and help you reposition your pants (or knickers if you're a girl! (or boy))

It is recommended that you reapply after every second lift, and double the dose to 30ml (if you've forgotten your spoon that's approximately 6 capfulls) per extra 500m in altitude.

Specialists warn that for the first half dozen applications one can expect some extreme wincing, but this will have the effect of giving you a life affirming broad toothy smile. In some cases, fits of uncontrollable screaming may ensue, but a detailed explanation from your friend should put the other skiers at ease.

I hope this helps.

(Please dispose of your chilli bottles responsibly)


Last edited by snowHeads are a friendly bunch. on Thu 30-01-20 11:40; edited 1 time in total
snow report
 And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
Chalfonts, Farmers, Plymouths, Jacob's Laughing

I'm still struggling with the rack of Nurembergs though.
ski holidays
 So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
Nuremberg Trials ..... your Roger Bannisters ( 4 minute miles )
ski holidays
 You know it makes sense.
You know it makes sense.
WindOfChange wrote:
Nuremberg Trials ..... your Roger Bannisters ( 4 minute miles )


Thank you.
latest report
 Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
I recall, when I worked in London many years ago, a colleague commenting " Scotsmen are a bit like piles - not too bad when they come down and go back again - a real pain when they come down and stay down."
snow report
 Poster: A snowHead
Poster: A snowHead
mikeycharlton wrote:
WindOfChange wrote:
Nuremberg Trials .


Thank you.


Also known as Rudolf's: I'm glad I'm not a Brighton, it would totally wreck me Rudolf's.
snow report
 Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Roll a Scotch Bonnet chilli in a tobacco leaf and stuff it up your a..e. I know that a bit of lube may help. Some thick bleaches are almost like KY jelly and just the job. Just don't wear your best Calvin Kleins as it will bleach them.

Gerry if you ever had pretensions to be a ski instructor in France this maybe your chance to do the Eurotest.

Alternatively Anusol HC.
ski holidays
 Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Thank you @marodo2712, for significantly brightening up my afternoon

Source a suitably sized icicle and gently guide it carefully past your Emmas to sit snugly in place. Risk of meltage is significant so concurrent use of some Tena pants and regular replacement of the icicle is advised.
ski holidays
 You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
Whilst we're covering Viz goes skiing, any suggestions how Gerry's mate Buster G might tackle a drag lift ?
snow report
 Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
I'm sure StAnton could think of something to give you.
ski holidays
 You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
@WindOfChange,

Quote:

Whilst we're covering Viz goes skiing, any suggestions how Gerry's mate Buster G might tackle a drag lift ?


From behind.
latest report
 Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
WindOfChange wrote:
Nuremberg Trials ..... your Roger Bannisters ( 4 minute miles )


I don't think skiing with a bad case of the Nobby's is a good idea! (Nobby Stiles, by the way!)
snow report
 After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
Gerry wrote:
Skiing with hemorrhoids


Gerry wrote:
Got a bit of a chalfont problem ... Any recommended ointments?


Not really, but you've spent 8 years sitting in the SCGB boardroom. Have you thought of asking the chairman for a cushion? Or maybe a whoopee cushion when looking at the accounts? ...

- https://www.skiclub.co.uk/about-the-ski-club/press-centre/press-releases/2020/01/ski-club-of-great-britain---finance-update
- https://www.facebook.com/groups/325182624251298/permalink/2212189795550562/

You're a director of Britain's national ski club. Piles (sic) of money are bleeding from the organisation - "c.£1m" lost last year, according to the new treasurer, and "another significant shortfall this year".

I appreciate your medical needs and don't wish to be too anal about this ... but have you anything to communicate that can reassure us that the SCGB isn't going to blow its entire financial reserves (which are primarily the product of selling a freehold building) on nothing more than a blow-out?

Get well soon. And for god's sake keep up the toilet humour.
ski holidays
 You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
True story here. Friend had this situation while on a lads trip. He liked the old style Gondola's with the metal benches and knob screws holding the seats down. He'd sit on the knobs pushing the offending parts back in. If I recall correctly this was in Mayrhofen. You may want to check with the tourist office to check if they have suitable old school Gondola's.
snow conditions
 Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ski the Net with snowHeads
The responses ably reinforce the old adage... If you are looking for sympathy, get a dictionary, look it up somewhere between poo-poo and syphillis! Very Happy
ski holidays
 snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
snowHeads are a friendly bunch.
Huge sanitary towel
snow report
 And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
And love to help out and answer questions and of course, read each other's snow reports.
@Gerry
From the heading I thought you had been skiing with @stantroll,, @whitetroll and @goldtroll, the ultimate pains in the @rse
snow conditions
 So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
So if you're just off somewhere snowy come back and post a snow report of your own and we'll all love you very much
Deepheat can bring instant relief when your Nobby's are itching.
snow conditions
 You know it makes sense.
You know it makes sense.
Wait until you get to France.
As most of French medicine is suppository-based, they know a thing or two about medicating a ravaged balloon-knot.

Assuming you're not going to Austria, God knows what they'd do there... Probably use it as the clapper in an enormous cow bell.
ski holidays
 Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Otherwise you'll just go on seeing the one name:
Swap to snowboarding.
The constant falling on your back bottom onto some cold surface should help soothe the swollen starfish.
ski holidays
 Poster: A snowHead
Poster: A snowHead
codyaitch wrote:
@Gerry
From the heading I thought you had been skiing with @stantroll,, @whitetroll and @goldtroll, the ultimate pains in the @rse


Laughing Laughing Laughing

Yeh, I once went skiing with a bunch of hemorrhoids, but next time chose a much better group to travel with.
ski holidays
 Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Obviously A snowHead isn't a real person
Are there any old men here?? Enjoying the toilet humour and the safe space - we're all friends here....!

What about a bit too the younger generation?? Harry's??!
ski holidays
 Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Well, the person's real but it's just a made up name, see?
Proctosedyl is great. Also:
No phone on toilet
Put something under your feet to bring knees up when pooing
Fybogel
Poo like you're being chased by a tiger, ie quickly.
snow report
 You need to Login to know who's really who.
You need to Login to know who's really who.
Am I the only one who thought this thread was going to be a follow-up to Chris Thomlindon's Skiing With Demons series?
ski holidays
 Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
Anyway, snowHeads is much more fun if you do.
LMAO with tears in my eyes!

The rhyming slang I’m having trouble with are Rudolf’s, Brighton, Emmas & Plymouths. Laughing Laughing
snow conditions
 You'll need to Register first of course.
You'll need to Register first of course.
Emma Freuds
ski holidays
 Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Then you can post your own questions or snow reports...
Plymouth Argyles
snow report
 After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
After all it is free Go on u know u want to!
Mjit wrote:
Am I the only one who thought this thread was going to be a follow-up to Chris Thomlindon's Skiing With Demons series?

Laughing it would certainly stop him resting on his laurels...
latest report
 You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
You'll get to see more forums and be part of the best ski club on the net.
Gordyjh wrote:
LMAO with tears in my eyes!

The rhyming slang I’m having trouble with are Rudolf’s, Brighton, Emmas & Plymouths. Laughing Laughing


Rudolf’s = Rudolf Hess's = Nuremberg trials = piles

Brighton Pier = queer: I had a dodgy curry last night and my arse is well Brighton this morning.
snow report
 Ski the Net with snowHeads
Ski the Net with snowHeads
Now I'm up to speed!
latest report



Terms and conditions  Privacy Policy